Blog Move

The struggle with having more than one blog, is when a topic cannot be easily categorized. There are a few times when I haven't been sure which blog to write about something. So, I am going to "close" this blog to new posts but leave all the current ones on. For new posts, please visit my main blog at:

http://inspirelaughlove.blogspot.com

Thank you to everyone for their support :-)

Crystal ~ Wentworth's Mom

Tattoo update

While I love my tattoo in general, specifically I am not happy with the butterfly. It's not how I pictured it and the style of it just isn't me (though I love the purple). Since I also wasn't too happy with the "touch up" job the artist did I think I am going to go to someone else. I'm hoping to figure out a way to re-design the butterfly, as well as work on a design for my Dexter (et all future siblings) tattoo.

More Frequent Reflections

I'm not sure what has changed, but over the last month or so I have been thinking of Wentworth more and having more frequent bouts of sadness. Could be Tyler's return to work and the resulting increase in workload for me coupled with more loneliness. Maybe a spike in hormones? Nonetheless, I am mourning my babe more lately and thinking how much I would like to have a baby boy right now (in addition to Dexter of course!).

On a side note: I can't believe it has been six months since we lost Wentworth. It feels like both yesterday and a lifetime ago.

So...when am I getting pregnant?

The jury is out. When I first met with the specialist she told me that there is nothing she could specifically point to that caused the placental abruption so she saw no reason for me to take precautions to get pregnant. However, she wanted me to redo one blood test & take an additional one to see if my post labour care would be different. By the time I came back for the results, the medical consensus was to do nothing different until I'd actually experienced a blood clot personally.

She apologized for not having more answers so I brought up the possibilty that the Leduc Doc thought I may have been pre-eclampic. The specialist said, if you were than I recommend you wait a year from the birth until you begin trying to conceive. So that was a bummer.

I decided to follow up with my OBGYN and get her opinion. Her nurse fielded the call and said that there was nothing in my file about possibly being pre-eclamptic so maybe I should be safe and wait 6 months...but that if I truly was pre-eclamptic than I should wait 2 years.

How's that for confusing? I don't want to wait unneccassarily, but I don't want to rush if it's not healthy to do so either. I had an appointment with my GP for my son, so I asked him what his thoughts were on the matter. He looked at my file and said in his opinion he didn't see any conclusive evidence that I was pre-eclampic and to take the other doctor's advice with a grain of salt. Why? Because it was merely their "educated" guess rather than anything based on conclusive studies.

My personal verdict? I'm not in a rush to get pregnant at this point, but I've said repeatedly that this could change on a daily basis. My ultimate goal is to wait until after the beginning of May as that's when Wentworth was conceived and I don't want to have a due or birth date around the same time. Beyond that, I think I am going to let whatever happens, happen. I'll be watching my cycle to see if I miss a period but I'm not sure if I'm going to plan any "baby dancing" on purpose. Tyler will be working out of a town a bit anyway, so that could ultimately negate any planning I make. I've also been taking folic acid daily since Christmas and as of today decided to take an actual prenatal vitamin (I was out of folic and had to buy a new vitamin supply anyway). In the past, prenatals have made me very nauseas but I'm going to do my best to get in a better pre-pregnancy place this time.

As soon as I know I'm pregnant, I've been told to go back to my OBGYN but I'm not sure that I want to keep her as my doctor. I guess I have a little more time to ponder that over.

In the meanwhile, as I said in the last post, I am keeping busy, busy, busy :-)

Remembering to Pause

Time is very subjective, and right now it is flying by for me. I have been keeping busy by committing to a new business venture and while I LOVE it, I have to remember to take time to pause and BE in life.

It's soooooo easy to take things for granted. Not that many months ago I was talking about how losing Wentworth made me realize how lucky I am to have Dexter & my hubby Tyler...and yet here I am falling into the same traps. Damn it, it is difficult to find balance and harmony in life! But the universe is very kind to me and gives me gentle reminders. Watching the Duggar's story was one of those at the beginning of the month. Dexter's increasing neediness to force me to come see something and/or blocking the front door and saying "No Work. Mommy" should be a pretty big clue for me as both are out of his normal behavior. I wasn't taking the hint so the Universe gave me a stronger one, it's taking Tyler out of town again for work. His being gone forces me to miss him and appreciate him when he's home, it forces me to stay home more myself and to make the most of the time I am gone. And it's also going to force me to spend that one on one time with Dexter.

I heard a great quote the other day, I'll paraphrase, but it said:

When you're with your family, Be with your family.

When you're at work, Be at work.

I really think this is a key point to remember.

A Parallel Experience: the Duggar's Loss

I had read, quite a while ago, that the famous Duggar family had suffered a loss with their 20th child (21 by some counts). Michelle had a miscarriage at 18 weeks and gave birth to a stillborn baby girl on December 11, 2011...coincidently the same day I gave birth to Wentworth. The event made the news for them because of their reality show, but also because they chose to do some memorial photos through a program called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and when the photos hit the public there was a big outcry that they were "disturbing."  I can't say how I would have reacted prior to my experience but now that I have gone through what I did with Wentworth, I don't find the pictures disturbing at all. I think they are very tasteful and beautiful. I'll post two of them here, my only regret is that the 2nd picture has the TMZ watermark on it as I was unable to find an original clear photo.

The episode about their loss aired last week and I made sure to PVR it because I wanted to watch it and was lucky enough to have some time to watch it by myself. It was a positive experience for me to watch it as it was kind of therapeutic.  While our experiences differ to some degree, there were definitely moments on film that felt virtually identical to my experience.

The episode opened with them talking about how excited they were to be pregnant again as it took about 2 years for her to get pregnant and they weren't sure that she was going to be able to get pregnant again. Jim Bob & Michelle were having a family meeting to brainstorm baby names for both a boy and girl as they didn't know gender yet. Then they took a trip to the NICU where the most recent baby, Josie, was born (eerily on December 10th). After that they headed to the ultrasound where you can typically find out gender. They had a plan where the sound man was going to find out the gender and then the whole family would hear the news at the same time (parents included). JB had decided to attend the ultrasound (so I guess he hadn't attended every one before) which was fortunate as he was there for Michelle when she got the news.

The first experience I identified with was how Michelle knew something was wrong as soon as the tech looked at the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat registering on the machine. I wouldn't wish that experience on someone, but I have to say that it WAS reassuring to share the experience with someone...to see it on the screen and see them have the same reaction I had. Maybe it makes a person feel more normal?

Next they had to go home and tell all their children the news. It was hard to watch as they tried to get everyone together in one room to tell them all at once. Everyone assumed it was for the big gender reveal (which was still unknown at that point), and had no idea of the bad news that was coming. My heart broke as the kids asked Michelle if she knew the gender and she had to keep her composure. It broke again as they struggled to get the right words out for the family and although they were sad, explain that it was God's will and that they were happy to have had even the 18 weeks of joy the baby had brought. [I'm not religious but I have my own beliefs which mirror the same sentiments.]

Michelle labored for three days before bringing baby girl Jubilee into this world. It was painful enough for me to have those hours of labour, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have three days of both physically and emotional pain. She handled it beautifully though, and took that time to connect with what was happening and write a letter to Jubilee. Amazing.

The family decided to have a funeral & burial for Jubilee. We chose against any kind of service as we wanted to mourn more privately (personal choice no judgement) and  honestly I am just not a fan of funerals in general. I think the process of gathering everyone together would just magnify my pain. So I am still happy with the choice to do the cremation and no ceremony. 

It was an hour episode where I shed a lot of tears and spend a little time after reflecting on my own lost baby. I have felt more emotional in general the last few weeks - pretty much since Tyler has been home as well as when I got the tattoo. I'm not sure if the emotions are related to that or to something entirely different. I really hate not having a handle on my emotions and being so sensitive. It reminds me of being a teenager LOL In case you're thinking it, no I'm not pregnant, or at least that's what mother nature tells me as I got my monthly reassurance. My "plan" as of today (it changes often), is to wait until the anniversary of Wentworth's conception passes before we do any sort of attempts at baby making. I would like to ensure if possible, that the due date of the next baby doesn't coincide with Wentworth's birth date or due date. Though I'm sure, whether I am pregnant or not, that the birth date with be a hard day anyway.

All in all, I'm glad I watched that episode of "19 Kids and Counting" and I recommend it for almost everyone as it is an experience worth watching.

*In case you're wondering why I said this was baby number 21, it's because Michelle said that her 2nd pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, a baby that they call Caleb. I'm guessing it was a fairly early miscarriage but they obviously count it as a child in their minds and Jubilee is officially counted so that gives them a count of 19 earth kids & 2 heaven kids.

My Tattoo

I have been pondering the tattoo idea for a few months now. I started out thinking I wanted it on my left shoulder blade but in my googling of images, figured out that an inner wrist tattoo was more appropriate for this particular image. I hadn't considered getting a tattoo in this area before because I thought a person could easily tire of it. However, since this image is meant to be a constant reminder of Wentworth for me, I feel like I could never be irritated by the content. I also figure I can always add to the tattoo down the line, I just can't take away from it.

A long time ago I had decided that once I was done having kids that I would get tattoo in their honor, so while Dexter isn't represented right now, he will be. I'd like to have one cohesive design for my living kids...Wentworth just gets a special honor of his own because we don't get to share in his life here. I could change my mind, but I'll most likely save my left shoulder blade for Dex & future sibling(s).

Once I decided on an inner wrist tat for Wentworth, I simultaneously decided the best design would be word based with his name. I choice a butterfly image because I like butterflies and because I read that they symbolize communicating with the dead. Then I wanted some flourish so the artist freehanded that himself.

To pick an artist I put a call out on facebook and I was drawn to the "At Needlepoint" studio. Clay was a recommendation there & his portfolio showed a few word tats that appealed to me so I felt he was a good choice. I had a quick consultation with him on Wednesday & after some complicated schedule juggling (my mom was in town but had an appointment at 4:15 in edmonton & Dexter wasn't feeling well) I was able to get in on Thursday.

Once the appointment was booked I was super excited but nervous about the pain factor. I'm a well known wuss & while I have a tattoo, it is 12 years old and about the size of a quarter. However, i was mentally committed to the tattoo no matter what it took physically.

The first bit of the tattoo felt like a knife blade being drawn down my arm. I started freaking out inside like "how will I handle this?" I focused on a spot on the wall and thought about him. That worked for a little bit but then the emotions were too close to the surface and I had to blink back tears of sadness. So instead I just focused on keeping my breathing steady and having a pro-pain mantra. That worked pretty well. A little more time passed and the artist started chatting with me. This worked great as I LOVE talking and it distracts me very well. The pain came & went, some parts being more painful than others (bones and arteries/veins seemed to be pain hot spots) and really before I knew it, it was complete! I took a picture with my iPhone before he wrapped it up & left proudly sporting my hot pink tensure bandage. My mom stared at me in surprise and waited for me to tell her I chicken out & it was only half done. Thanks for the belief in me Mom LOL

Leduc Hospital: No More Speculation

After everything that happened with Wentworth, the majority of my questions stemming from that night are towards the Leduc Hospital. Most people would have to continue wondering the questions but I have been lucky enough to get the answers! It turns out that the doctor in emergency that night had read my blog and knew he could put my mind at ease about a few things. However he questioned whether I would appreciate a phone call from him or if that would just upset me further. Again, lucky for me, a friend of mine works in emergency (shout out to Katie) and the doctor was able to run the idea passed her, who in turn let me know he was available for an appointment if I was interested. Being the kind of person I am who highly values information, I was super excited that he wanted to talk and booked the earliest appointment possible. The receptionist was clueless to the situation and I wasn't up to informing her so it was set for February 8th @ 10:45am and as far as I knew I was going to get the standard 15 minute appointment.

Tyler & I went to the appointment together and left Dexter with a friend. My goal from the meeting was to find out what he thought was happening to me and why there was a delay before I got sent to Grey Nuns. I also wanted the meeting to be as positive as possible and although I am obviously upset about the result, I wasn't there to make the doctor feel bad or to pass blame. 

I didn't know how to start the conversation so I said "I'm not sure if you remember who I am?" He said "Yes I do. I remember you very well." Then he pretty much launched into his story. First, he said that when he got the call from Grey Nuns that I had lost the baby, he was shocked. When I had left his care he hadn't thought I would lose the baby. He said he spend about 4-5 hours that day, looking over the file to see where he had gone wrong. He also spoke with the Edmonton Dr. Lee (as his name is Dr. Lee too). The Edmonton Doc (female) has been doing OB for about 30 years so she has a lot of experience with non-stress tests. She said that when she looked at my non-stress test, she would say it was non-reassuring based on her instincts. However, she couldn't pinpoint something on it for Leduc Doc to look for next time. There is a criteria checklist that they get taught in med school and my NST met all of them, so there was no fault in Leduc Doc's logic merely in his lack of experience...which can really be expected in our little city emergency room. In terms of why I wasn't hooked up to fetal monitoring the whole time, it's really not normal procedure. I was hooked up for like an hour I believe which is a lot, and since he felt the readings were reassuring, there was no need to stay hooked up. 

I was in the waiting room for about 15 minutes before I got a room and my care was sporadic. One of the reasons for this is that emerge was extremely busy that night. The doc said he got about 24 patients between 11pm and 2am whereas he normally averages about 12 patients per night spread out the entire shift. I can appreciate that they were busy, but I still feel that the nurses could have poked their head in periodically to make sure I wasn't passed out (and I feel they should do this quick check round for every patient). If I could appeal to the hospital to make a policy change, it would be to implement this. And perhaps I will write a letter about this. 

The second thing we talked about was the reasons for the transfer delay. First off, when I arrived I had high blood pressure, which was highly unusual for me as I have always had text book blood pressure. High blood pressure is often associated with pre-eclampsia which is also really dangerous. He was worried that if I did have pre-eclampsia and he sent me in an ambulance right away I could have had a seizure. There are some drugs the hospital can give to make sure that mom stays okay, but it has to be properly diagnosed with blood/urine first. He said that with bleeding you are concerned with baby, but with pre-eclampsia you are also highly concerned about mom's health. Also, because I was still ahead of the cusp for lung development (about 34 weeks is the cutoff and I was just shy of that), they would also give a steroid shot to make sure baby's lungs are ready for our world.

Personally I feel that pre-eclampsia was a logical first guess. It is/was very possible that I had it as I also had significant swelling. In fact, that night, it felt like liquid was literally pouring into my feet and they were SO swollen. I had decided to watch SNL with my feet up before going on with some things on my to do list. Also, in a lot of the information and cases I've read, placental abruption doesn't usually progress so quickly. It often takes days or even weeks if Mom is on bed rest. Taking that norm into consideration, in most instances the Leduc doc would have had more than enough time to eliminate or diagnosis pre-eclampsia before the placenta fully detached and baby would be in imminent danger. Which leads me to believe that what happened to me was unavoidable... and meant to be. 

Secondly, with hospital procedure as it was when I went in, the Leduc hospital would have to qualify their request to send me to another hospital before it would be authorized. They use a system called Rapid and the call system really puts doctors through the ringer before they'll ok a patient transfer. Thus another reason why the doctor had ordered blood/urine tests and had to wait for the results. As it was, once I started having significant pains and he decided to call Rapid that night, it was a full 20 minutes before they gave the okay to order the ambulance for transfer. Then the ambulance took an additional 30 minutes to arrive as we were at the mercy of their geographical location at the time of the call (I remember from my ambulance ride that the attendant said something about them being in Thorsby and that they have a weird territory to cover). 

All in all, I do feel like I got the best care available and no negligence was made. Before talking to the doctor, I had phoned two lawyers for a consultation and they gave me peace of mind that my situation didn't sound like a good case. I person can always wonder, especially when sharing the story with many others, but its easier for me if I think everyone did the best that they could with the information that they had. 

The great news, is that hindsight is going to good use this time. The head OB doc from Grey Nuns has implemented a procedure change for Leduc Hospital. They have given Leduc the green light to send all patients who are 20 weeks or further to their hospital with no burden of proof on them. AKA they don't have to do blood, urine or non-stress tests (NST). The only time Leduc won't send patients is when they are actively pushing or in immenient danger, as there is a minimum 20 minute ambulance drive plus waiting time. I feel really good about this change and now feel comfortable reassuring people to go to Leduc hospital for care when pregnant. It is still your best option to be at A hospital then on the road by yourself on the way to a hospital. There's still some details to work out (such as do they want all patients even non-pregnancy related items like a broken wrist) but it's a positive change and I'm happy it's happened.

My mom and I had a discussion a few weeks ago about how going to Leduc was still the best decision I could have made. It was midnight so Dexter was sleeping and its highly unlikely that I would have decided to wake him up and drop him off somewhere so that Tyler and I could go to the hospital together since I didn't know how serious the situation was. Me driving to Edmonton by myself presents a whole lot of possible outcomes such as passing out or having a seizure on the way to the hospital, hurting or killing myself and possible others on the road. And provided I did make it to the hospital and they did rush my care in emerge (which I may have had to wait there) and they had decided to do a c-section, Wentworth still may not have survived and I may also have been in danger from excessive bleeding or something. It's possible that the result may have been the same no matter which path I took. 

Lastly, I want to say how grateful I am that Dr. Lee spoke with me. He shared with me that this case affected him on a personal and professional level. He has a 6 month old at home and is a dad to three so he can easily relate to our feelings. This shook his confidence and he questioned whether he was up for continuing as an emergency doctor. I thoroughly appreciate that he related to me on a human level and not as a "Doctor God" as some may have. I think it speaks to his character that he was willing to meet with me and even initiated it. Honestly, I am an emotionally sensitive person, and it really hurts my heart that he is/was suffering through this experience as well. I did my best to assure him that I think he did his best and that I harbor no ill feelings towards him. While we are saddened by what happened with our second son, we are doing our best to look on the bright side and move forward with our lives. Wentworth will not be forgotten but instead of dwelling on sadness I try to use this experience to appreciate what I do have in my life.

I hope this entry will give some of my readers closure has it has for me.

Interesting...

I've been so focused on this course I'm taking right now, that I didn't realize "today" was the two month anniversary of losing Wentworth. Wow, while I'm glad to have a positive distraction, I think I'll take a moment to remember my baby boy now.

Doc Appointment & Blood Test Results

I apologize to anyone who was anxiously checking for an update, it's just been busy around here. On Monday, I had my 6 week post partum checkup and a quick discussion of my blood test results.

The information I got back was that one of my blood clotting things came back abnormal so I'm being referred to a specialist who'll look at the results and make a decision. Options are:
-not significant so no different action taken,
-somewhat significant so put on baby aspirin,
-significant so put on blood thinners and possibly baby aspirin too.

She made it seem fairly blasé so I didn't think too much of this. She told me that the appointment should be within the month and to use condoms in the meantime. However she said there was no reason to delay getting pregnant (maybe other than this information? I need clarification on that). Anyway, we don't have to wait some arbitrary amount of time like 3 months or 6 months.

All seemed good, and our appointments always feel rushed so sometimes I don't have time to absorb the information and form questions until after I've left. I decided to consult my best friend google, the medic major, to see what it had to say about pregnancy and blood thinner medication.

While the side effects seem minor, what I was surprised to learn was that the medication appears to be given via needle rather than orally. I just assumed it would be a tradition pill so this information threw me for a loop. Like most people I don't like needles and I'm not sure I'd be able to give myself one to two shots a day everyday for 40 weeks. I guess I'll try to give my OB a quick follow up call tomorrow.

Blood work -part 1

I've had a few people ask me if I've had my blood work done yet (yes on Jan 12), if I have my results yet (no, have an appointment on Monday @ 2pm so should get all I information then) and if i'll be sharing my results (yes, just as soon as I have time that day, I'll be blogging whatever I find out).

My Heritage Maker's Scrapbook

Reflecting

I've had some time to reflect, gather personal stories and do some research on what happened that night with my pregnancy. My conclusions may be surprising to some.

From what I've heard and read about placental abruption, there is typically a lot more time from your first symptoms to the time baby's life is threatened. Many stories have women in the situation for days or even weeks and simply put on bed rest at home or only monitored once a day in the hospital. I'm not sure why mine happened so quickly (2-4 hours) but it seems it was a highly unusual case. Knowing this, I don't think that the first hospital I went to did anything wrong in this regard.

However, there are a few things that I do think they should have done differently. I had gone to the hospital by myself as I wasn't sure how serious things were and I decided Tyler should stay home with sleeping Dexter until I knew more. Since I was by myself and bleeding, I really think they should have been checking in on me more frequently if only to make sure I wasn't passed out. While it was slightly busy when I first got there, the last 2 hours the staff were just sitting at the main desk so the workload would have permitted that. This probably wouldn't have effected the outcome but it would have made me feel better about how I was treated. They're communication could have been better also. When I went to do my urine sample, I emerged from the bathroom with no staff in sight & no idea what to do with it. I took it back to my room thinking they would come grab it, but after about 10 minutes I came out to deliver it to the main desk and three of them were sitting there. This could have sped up the test results and maybe allowed me to arrive at the second hospital in time. In addition to this, the IV took five tries...if they had got it on the first try I may have arrived at the hospital in time as well. But maybe not.

Which leads me to my last issue, which is why the first hospital didn't just transfer me right away? If there was any concern at all that I may go into labour &/or need a c-section, the first hospital is not set up to do these things and the second hospital is 30 minutes away. Knowing there is a 1/2 hour delay of proper available treatment, I think their judgement should have been to send me there immediately. "Googling" told me that bleeding in the third trimester is a very big red (pardon the pun) flag especially when there have been no instances of it previously. There is no doubt that this decision would almost 100% have meant I would have delivered a breathing baby. He would have been admitted to NICU as he was just under 34 weeks, but babies that age have a very good survival rate. In fact, one woman in my facebook birth club, had virtually the same experience as me (due date and everything), her baby was born 4lbs 2oz (Wentworth was 2oz more) and she is at home with her baby now and most everything is good.

I am not bitter about what happened, as that emotion would really get me no where. I've accepted that hindsight is 20/20 and I choose to believe that the medical staff did what they thought was best at the time. But, with the review happening, I hope that this case will impact their decision making in the positive for future pregnant mamas with bleeding and that they can have a better outcome than I.

My reflecting isn't just reserved for the hospitals though. Typically, grieving people will blame themselves and try to figure out what they did wrong and honestly I am no exception. While I logically know that no good comes from that, I emotionally can't help it. When Dexter was born, I called him many nicknames but the one that stuck the best was "monkey" and now he definitely acts like a monkey. I jokingly said that I was going to be more careful in my nickname choice this time and called Wentworth an "obediant angel". Now I wonder if I doomed him to his destiny with that nickname.

I wonder if I should have avoided caffeine 100%.

I wonder if my fender bender at 24 weeks caused a small placental tear that went unnoticed.

I wonder if my supreme mood swings and bitchiness during pregnancy created a hostile womb or at least made him think "I want the heck out of this family".

I wonder if my anxiety about how I would handle two kids and my (short) disappointment about having another boy set things into motion in the universe to take him away.

I wonder if before I began this life, I chose to go through this experience to grow as a spirit/soul.

I wonder if picking up Dexter caused a "trauma".

I wonder if I should have packed up my whole family and went to the Grey Nuns immediately that night.

I wonder if I didn't want him enough.

I wonder if Tyler didn't want him enough.

I wonder if I created a serial killer or other bad person and God took him away to spare other people hurt.

I wonder if I was too fat and unhealthy.

I wonder if I ate too much junk food during my pregnancy.

I wonder if I had been wearing the right numerology color that night if things would have been different.
I wonder if my body did something or was ill-equipped to handle this (or more) pregnancies.

I wonder...

Rice Necklace & A Tattoo?

Rice Necklace:

When I was a teenager reading my YM & Seventeen magazines I really wanted a "rice necklace": a grain of rice with something written on it, in a glass tube in a necklace format. The necklaces were featured in all the ads in the back of the magazine but you needed a credit card to order one so of course it was an impossibility at the time, but it got added to my Bucket List. Then, in 2001, I was at the Fringe Festival with some friends and there was a rick necklace stand! I got one made with my name on one side and Tyler's name on the other - not smart in retrospect as we'd only been dating a year, but luckily it worked out! I totally love it and it remains one of my most wear jewellery pieces today.

While my cremation necklace is nice, it isn't as fulfilling emotionally as I had hoped. So I had the inspiration to look into getting a rice necklace with Wentworth's name on it, and possibly Dexter's but I haven't decided which way I want to go with that yet. I was hoping to maybe get a lead on somewhere in Edmonton that I could get one (to save myself shipping and purchase delay) but worst case scenario I can always purchase one online.

Tattoo:

At Christmas time I had the opportunity to see Tyler's cousin Jen and her beautiful tattoo of her son (he's alive and well but it's still beautiful). Her hubby also has some nice tats and I got a bit of "ink frenzy" from them. I already have a small tattoo and always said that my next ones would be related to my kid(s) as they are one thing you are virtually guaranteed to never change your mind about, as love for your kids tends to be unconditional.

My original idea was to get a wing with Wentworth's name on my left shoulder blade; I want something fairly simple as I am a wimp and more detail equals more time and pain. I tried to google the image I had in my mind and was unsuccessful in finding anything that was quite right. In my research I saw some other ideas though that I am considering...

WING & HEART TAT: I like the wing shape/type of this tattoo (but not the rest of it, a little gothic for me).

 WHITE WINGS: I like the idea of coloring in the white.

STAR WITH NAME SWOOSH: I like the idea of having the star & then starting to list all the names of my boys, and having room for more later.

HEART & FEET: I just think this is adorable & cute.  

ABSTRACT BUTTERFLY: I love the little butterfly sillouettes and the abstract lines.

FLOWER & STARS: I LOVE the stars and lines of this one. The outside line shading looks so neat.

WRIST TATS: and then to be completely off track, I kind of like the idea of just doing his name on my wrist. It would be much more "in my face" so I'll definitely have to think this one through.

Thoughts?

Final thought, while I think I am doing pretty good, maybe I'm not doing as good as I thought? My interest in these two things demonstrates that I am still searching for something to fill the void. Or is it simply to commemorate him because I'm worried that I am forgetting? The first few days after I lost Wentworth, the pain was near unbearable and filled my every waking moment (unless I had a few distractions). Now it is more of a dull ache that I am vaguely aware of until something brings it to the surface. Tyler's same cousin Jen was due this month along with me and had her baby yesterday. I am very happy for her but when I re-read her announcement today I had a twinge of sadness. I guess that's just normal :-)

A few more pics I had of Wentworth

It's Been a Month...How Am I?

I'm doing good. And I'm not just saying that as a pat expression, I truly am doing well overall. Since I emptied my plate with the intentions of having a baby this month, and that no longer being my destiny, I decided to refill my plate with a few key things to keep me busy and enthusiastic about the future.

The first thing I did was volunteer as Head Organizer for my local Mommy Group. I was already a Co-Organizer but this position steps up some of the tasks I will be in charge of and gives me a little more rein to be creative. We still operate as a democracy within the organizing team but I'm already beginning to feel drunk with power...just kidding! It's a fun group and I'm excited to continue to be a part of it's leadership.

Secondly, I bit the bullet on something I've been pondering casually for years and seriously for months: I've decided to become a Primerica Financial Representative. It's involves a committment to learning, my first few steps include a 40 hour prep course, field training, practise exams and peaks with a Provincial Exam challenge. I have always loved learning and (weirdly) tests so I'm really looking forward to this. I'll be in a position to help people get their financial house in order and by educating them to some degree as well they should be able to keep it in order (you know the old proverb you can give a man fish vs teach a man to fish). My Primerica mentor is Jasmine and she is a wonderfully smart and energically bright woman so I'm excited to have her in my corner.

I have had a few challenges this month on an emotional level. On January 10th, I had some significant bleeding that was borderline "too much". I wasn't sure if it was re-newed post partum bleeding (which would be bad) or my cycle returning (which would be good). After a phone call to Health Link it was suggested that I visit a doctor within 24 hours. It was unlikely that I'd be able to get into a doctor that quickly so I decided to go to the Grey Nuns emerge on January 11th - which happened to be the 1 month anniversary of Wentworth's birth and death. I was a bit freaked out that if this was re-newed bleeding and they couldn't get it to stop that the worst case result would be a hysterectomy. I'm pretty sure that was an extremely unlikely occurance but I was freaked out non-the-less. When I was waiting in line to be registered in emerge I saw the hallway that the ambulance guys first brought me into that night one month ago. I've been pretty good at keeping my emotions at bay lately, but as soon as I realized that it was the same hallway I started to cry. My friend Shannon reassured me that it was merely a human response, but it really caught me off guard.  After a few tears I was able to get it under control without anyone noticing.

After giving some blood for tests, I waited for several hours and then went to the admitting desk again to inquire how much longer it would be. The nurse checked out my registration and told me that she had had a stillbirth 24 years ago and she remembered it like it was yesterday. Her sympathies were appreciated but again caused me to tear up. It's really interesting what causes a reaction in me and what doesn't! In the end, after 3 1/2 hours of waiting, the doctor told me he was fairly confident it was my cycle. I trusted his judgement as I wasn't having any other symptoms so all seems good a few days later now.

The other thing that I was a little sensitive about was that for some reason I decided to go down memory lane and look at the photos from when Dexter was first born. He was such an adorable baby and reminded me of what I am missing right now. Hopefully when I see my doctor on Jan 30 for my 6 week check up, she will give us an "all clear" for trying again. My blood work should be back from the genetic screening and other tests they were doing so we should have all the information we need to make a decision about what's the best choice. The common suggestion for women in similar situations to mine seems to be to wait 3 months post partum so *fingers crossed* she won't recommend anything more than that. And *fingers crossed* that losing Wentworth was just a random unexplained event that won't impact future pregnacies.

Lastly, I just wanted to add that a friend of mine confided in me that she is expecting. I had told her recently that I knew she was trying and that as soon as she got a positive I wanted to be in the know. I was pretty sure that I would only have happiness for her news since I would be happy that she was adding to her family and I was right! I think my reaction with my brother-in-law was mostly fuelled by the fact that I wouldn't be happy for his news ever, let alone so close to my loss. Anyway, so that means if you are someone that I respect and think is a good parent, than I will probably be interested in hearing your baby news!

The Generousity Continues: January Birth Club

Early in my pregnancy with Wentworth, I came across "Birth Clubs" on baby center. It's a forum/message board where you talk with other mom's who are due the same month as you. The set up is a little cumbersome so one of the members started a facebook group for all of us in the 01/2012 Birth Club. The women are from all across Canada and it's been a neat experience to be able to post questions, answers questions, start debates and communiate with mom's from many different backgrounds. It's really been just a few months but because of the shared experience you really feel like you get to know people. I shared my placenta abruption experience with the group from the moment I was sitting in the emergency room in Leduc with bleeding from an unknown cause and I felt their support throughout the experience and continually since then.

However, I was completely surprised when Tyler came home from the mailbox with a very large & heavy box - I wasn't expecting any parcels as this was after Christmas. I looked at the return address and recognized the name as one of my fellow birth club mama's. I opened the box to find tons of thoughtful items:

-a bottle of Bailey's (one of my top two alcoholic beverages),

-a unique sweater that is both pretty and flattering (and fits wells),

-a box of Purdy's chocolates,

-a beautiful pewter frame with Wentworth's name engraved (this is SO beautiful),

-a personalized christmas ornament with Wentworth's name,

-a homemade scupture of a mom with her 'angel baby' (so adorable),

-a travel mug,
-bath products including lotion, bubble bath and a loofah from bath & body works,
-a tea sampler (I love tea),
and a gift certificate to Boston Pizza.

Tyler and I were blown away by this parcel. I was awestruck that women that I only knew virtually, went to so much trouble and effort to send me this wonderful gift of many gifts to brighten my day and show support. I don't have addresses to thank them, so the best I can do, is list the names of the ones I know of here as a "shout out" (with only a last initial as to protect their privacy...if I missed anyone please let me know!):

Melissa J
Krystal J
Erica M
Caitlin C
Rayna A
Lydia O
Christina C
Jenn K
Leigh-Ann B

Cecette B

Hollie B

Linds A

Kim D
Marylea C

Robin R

Thank you ladies! And I look forward to continuing our friendship!

Mommy Group Generousity

To keep the balance of positive/negative in check, I finally want to write about how wonderful my mommy group has been to us. I joined "Leduc Mommy Mingle" in August 2010 shortly after moving to Leduc. I've been an active member ever since and I joined as an Organizer in March/April.

I had a Christmas party scheduled for the day Wentworth was born, so I had announced a family emergency as the reason for cancelling it. My good friend and co-organizer Shannon immediately called to see what had happened, and once she found out she came to visit us in the hospital. The hospital had offered us a few options for Wentworth (burial/cremation coordinated by us or Let the hospital take care of it). I asked Shannon how much cremation costs (as a good friend of her's had passed away recently) and she had thought services etc had come to $1500. We were pretty sure we wanted cremation only with no service and Shannon told us to focus on what we wanted because she was going to start a donation drive within our group to help with the costs involved.

Well I was/am blown away by the support in all forms that I received. I got many texts, emails, cards and messages of sympathy and offering help in all kinds of ways . I was saddened and uplifted to have several ladies share their own personal stories of loss. A few girls got together and sent an edible arrangement of fruit. Several ladies sent food over including lasagnas, pot pies, soup, buns, deli meats & cheese, cookies and juice. Several ladies sent other items over including candles, Scentsy, treats/toys for Dexter our toddler, poems and ornaments.

Last but not least, was the overwhelming financial donation...I believe when the final tally was done it was close to $1500! Nearly half of our 50 person group had donate their hard earned money to show their support & love.

I'm hoping that once we are financially stable we will be able to literally pay forward this donation, but in the meantime I'll have to pay it forward in spirit and deed. We're so thankful for the kindness shown to us from my group and I feel very fortunate to be a part of this group :-)

Upsetting News

I thought I was doing pretty good with the grieving process. In fact, when I looked at the different stages, it appeared that I had been through them all - which seemed quick to me. What I think I have learned since then, is that sometimes you are going to swing back into some of those stages depending on the moments of the day.

Our first part of Christmas where we spent it with my family was really good. I found all the visiting distracting and other than a few moments of shared sadness with others, I didn't dwell on what had happened too much. Our second "phrase" of Christmas had three sections divided by our travelling. The first section was an overnight stay at my Aunt's where my Grandma also lives and my cousin's son was visiting too and he's the same age as Dexter. Plus my brother and his son were there, so it was another fun and distracting night. The next day, December 23, we headed out to Cypress Hills, SK where we were spending four days over Christmas with Tyler's family. We had rented cabin's and there was 28 of us including all the kids. Due to finances, Tyler and I were sharing a two bedroom cabin with Tyler's brother Tyrone, Tyrone's girlfriend of 10 months Bobbie, and (depending when he got them), Tyrone's two daughers who are 5 & 2.5 years old. 

I'm just going to interject here, that some have called me "strong" and "brave" for writing about my experience with Wentworth. I personally haven't felt like either of those two things. All I know is that I am a sharer & talker by nature so blogging and getting feedback has helped me come to some peace with everything. Plus, there isn't really any consequences for sharing this experience. HOWEVER, the second half of this blog entry is what I would consider brave, because I am going to be 100% honest about how I felt when we got some news. There could be some reprecussions for this as I'm sure my brother-in-law Tyrone and his girlfriend won't like what I have to say. It's also possible that my mother-in-law may be hurt by what I have to say. BUT I have decided that I need to make this entry for my own therapy, so the readers of it have to choose to continue reading at their own risk. I will do my best to only write the truth, but keep in mind that this is my perspective so what I consider truth may not be someone else's.

So, when Tyrone arrived at the cabins with his GF, he came over to my mother-in-law's cabin where a bunch of us were hanging out: Mary (mother-in-law/MIL), Sherry (sister to Mary), Jen (daughter of Sherry), Justin (finance of Jen), Jonathan (son of Jen & Justin), Tyler (my hubby), Dexter (my son) and me of course. When Bobbie (the GF) came in, she handed Mary a gift and said "it's not wrapped in Christmas paper because it's not a Christmas gift." Mary has a few different interests, so my first assumption was that they had found something for one of these interests and decided to gift it to her early. Tyrone took out his camera and started filming Mary opening the gift. It was an elephant holding a baby elephant (Mary collects elephants), which to me symbolized that they were announcing that Bobbie was pregnant. Tyrone did this same "big announcement" before with his first baby mama 6 years ago using Christmas gifts so I figured that was his signature. Mary didn't catch on right away and most of us in the cabin figured out what was happening before she did. Once she figured it out, they handed her an ultrasound picture and said she was eight weeks. I was super upset as soon as it was confirmed, but I held back my emotions until I could get away from the group. Tyrone and Bobbie appeared completely oblivious to the fact that I may be upset by their news and even Tyler didn't seem to think it would upset me (which is weird I think). Unfortunately for me, I was sharing a cabin with the two of them and they went there to fix some drinks, so I ended up crying by myself on the trail outside waiting for them to leave (I didn't want them to see how upset I was or anyone else in Tyler's family).

My reasons for being upset were/are kind of multi-layered. For one, I'm obviously upset because I had just lost Wentworth 12 days before. I was/am still healing from giving birth and all I had to show for it was a box of ashes in our room and an urn. Secondly, I was hurt that they were oblivous to the idea that I might be upset, and she was only 8 weeks so they could easily have waited four more weeks to make their announcement, and it just seemed really self-involved of them.

Thirdly, they have only been dating a short time, and in my opinion they have no business getting pregnant (on purpose) already. I'm not religious or old fashioned so it's not that I think they need to be married, but I do think they lack a strong foundation or committment to each other and it seems very impulsive and selfish to get pregnant right now. Tyrone also has two children already with another woman (who he was also not married to and had been dating for an even shorter time, clearly he has a pattern) and he hasn't been living up to his Daddy Duties with them. He has never paid any official child support for them (him and baby mama have been split since oldest daughter was 1 year old, they purposely get pregnant with second daughter when they were not dating) and his emotional involvement with them is sparse & sporadic in my opinion. When him & first baby mama were together, I often heard complaints about his lack of parenting effort too. As a woman, I don't understand why Bobbie would think that Tyrone is going to do any differently or better with her child. On the few occassions that I have been with Bobbie and Tyrone I have heard him be downright rude and insulting to her. Tyrone has also been chronically unemployed for most of the last five years, though he has had a job in a casino for the last 10 months. Also, the last time I had seen Bobbie she told me she just finalized her divorce so I don't understand the rush of getting pregnant. I completely lost any respect for her I might have been building when she made this dumbass move.

On top of that, Tyrone & I don't have the best history together. I am very judgemental of his lack of ambition, bag of excuses (aka victim mentality) and consistent mooching off of other people. He is very opinionated (of course he is "right" about everything) and can be downright difficult to get along with. We have had some out and out explosive arguements together. The only reason we don't anymore, is because I have practised not caring what he says, thinks and does and therefore try not to instigate any discussions with him. In my defense, although it may appear that I am very one minded about Tyrone, I could list dozens of names of people who know him who think the same as I do. The only person I know who has given him a pass on everything is his mother. I am not trying to be self-righteous, but at least with the majority of other people I know who have made mistakes, their's aren't intentional decisions.

So...if someone else had announced their pregnancy news, I might have had a different reaction. But as it was, it was them and I can't help but feel that it is total universe bullshit that we lost our baby and these two fuckups (pardon my french) will likely have a baby before I will. Shortly after it was apparent that I was upset (cuz I stayed in my room for the rest of the night rather than let anyone witness my tears), Tyrone tried to tell Tyler and his mom that "they weren't sure if they should have made the announcement." Their excuse for why they went ahead anyway was that they didn't want Mary to be mad that she missed the opportunity to tell all her family in person at Christmas. And that they had a last minute ultrasound so they felt comfortable telling. In my opinion, this "remorse" is too little and too late.

Piece of advice: if you're questioning if you should do something, it's probably reason enough not to do it.