I'm doing good. And I'm not just saying that as a pat expression, I truly am doing well overall. Since I emptied my plate with the intentions of having a baby this month, and that no longer being my destiny, I decided to refill my plate with a few key things to keep me busy and enthusiastic about the future.
The first thing I did was volunteer as Head Organizer for my local Mommy Group. I was already a Co-Organizer but this position steps up some of the tasks I will be in charge of and gives me a little more rein to be creative. We still operate as a democracy within the organizing team but I'm already beginning to feel drunk with power...just kidding! It's a fun group and I'm excited to continue to be a part of it's leadership.
Secondly, I bit the bullet on something I've been pondering casually for years and seriously for months: I've decided to become a Primerica Financial Representative. It's involves a committment to learning, my first few steps include a 40 hour prep course, field training, practise exams and peaks with a Provincial Exam challenge. I have always loved learning and (weirdly) tests so I'm really looking forward to this. I'll be in a position to help people get their financial house in order and by educating them to some degree as well they should be able to keep it in order (you know the old proverb you can give a man fish vs teach a man to fish). My Primerica mentor is Jasmine and she is a wonderfully smart and energically bright woman so I'm excited to have her in my corner.
I have had a few challenges this month on an emotional level. On January 10th, I had some significant bleeding that was borderline "too much". I wasn't sure if it was re-newed post partum bleeding (which would be bad) or my cycle returning (which would be good). After a phone call to Health Link it was suggested that I visit a doctor within 24 hours. It was unlikely that I'd be able to get into a doctor that quickly so I decided to go to the Grey Nuns emerge on January 11th - which happened to be the 1 month anniversary of Wentworth's birth and death. I was a bit freaked out that if this was re-newed bleeding and they couldn't get it to stop that the worst case result would be a hysterectomy. I'm pretty sure that was an extremely unlikely occurance but I was freaked out non-the-less. When I was waiting in line to be registered in emerge I saw the hallway that the ambulance guys first brought me into that night one month ago. I've been pretty good at keeping my emotions at bay lately, but as soon as I realized that it was the same hallway I started to cry. My friend Shannon reassured me that it was merely a human response, but it really caught me off guard. After a few tears I was able to get it under control without anyone noticing.
After giving some blood for tests, I waited for several hours and then went to the admitting desk again to inquire how much longer it would be. The nurse checked out my registration and told me that she had had a stillbirth 24 years ago and she remembered it like it was yesterday. Her sympathies were appreciated but again caused me to tear up. It's really interesting what causes a reaction in me and what doesn't! In the end, after 3 1/2 hours of waiting, the doctor told me he was fairly confident it was my cycle. I trusted his judgement as I wasn't having any other symptoms so all seems good a few days later now.
The other thing that I was a little sensitive about was that for some reason I decided to go down memory lane and look at the photos from when Dexter was first born. He was such an adorable baby and reminded me of what I am missing right now. Hopefully when I see my doctor on Jan 30 for my 6 week check up, she will give us an "all clear" for trying again. My blood work should be back from the genetic screening and other tests they were doing so we should have all the information we need to make a decision about what's the best choice. The common suggestion for women in similar situations to mine seems to be to wait 3 months post partum so *fingers crossed* she won't recommend anything more than that. And *fingers crossed* that losing Wentworth was just a random unexplained event that won't impact future pregnacies.
Lastly, I just wanted to add that a friend of mine confided in me that she is expecting. I had told her recently that I knew she was trying and that as soon as she got a positive I wanted to be in the know. I was pretty sure that I would only have happiness for her news since I would be happy that she was adding to her family and I was right! I think my reaction with my brother-in-law was mostly fuelled by the fact that I wouldn't be happy for his news ever, let alone so close to my loss. Anyway, so that means if you are someone that I respect and think is a good parent, than I will probably be interested in hearing your baby news!
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