Blood work -part 1

I've had a few people ask me if I've had my blood work done yet (yes on Jan 12), if I have my results yet (no, have an appointment on Monday @ 2pm so should get all I information then) and if i'll be sharing my results (yes, just as soon as I have time that day, I'll be blogging whatever I find out).

My Heritage Maker's Scrapbook

Reflecting

I've had some time to reflect, gather personal stories and do some research on what happened that night with my pregnancy. My conclusions may be surprising to some.

From what I've heard and read about placental abruption, there is typically a lot more time from your first symptoms to the time baby's life is threatened. Many stories have women in the situation for days or even weeks and simply put on bed rest at home or only monitored once a day in the hospital. I'm not sure why mine happened so quickly (2-4 hours) but it seems it was a highly unusual case. Knowing this, I don't think that the first hospital I went to did anything wrong in this regard.

However, there are a few things that I do think they should have done differently. I had gone to the hospital by myself as I wasn't sure how serious things were and I decided Tyler should stay home with sleeping Dexter until I knew more. Since I was by myself and bleeding, I really think they should have been checking in on me more frequently if only to make sure I wasn't passed out. While it was slightly busy when I first got there, the last 2 hours the staff were just sitting at the main desk so the workload would have permitted that. This probably wouldn't have effected the outcome but it would have made me feel better about how I was treated. They're communication could have been better also. When I went to do my urine sample, I emerged from the bathroom with no staff in sight & no idea what to do with it. I took it back to my room thinking they would come grab it, but after about 10 minutes I came out to deliver it to the main desk and three of them were sitting there. This could have sped up the test results and maybe allowed me to arrive at the second hospital in time. In addition to this, the IV took five tries...if they had got it on the first try I may have arrived at the hospital in time as well. But maybe not.

Which leads me to my last issue, which is why the first hospital didn't just transfer me right away? If there was any concern at all that I may go into labour &/or need a c-section, the first hospital is not set up to do these things and the second hospital is 30 minutes away. Knowing there is a 1/2 hour delay of proper available treatment, I think their judgement should have been to send me there immediately. "Googling" told me that bleeding in the third trimester is a very big red (pardon the pun) flag especially when there have been no instances of it previously. There is no doubt that this decision would almost 100% have meant I would have delivered a breathing baby. He would have been admitted to NICU as he was just under 34 weeks, but babies that age have a very good survival rate. In fact, one woman in my facebook birth club, had virtually the same experience as me (due date and everything), her baby was born 4lbs 2oz (Wentworth was 2oz more) and she is at home with her baby now and most everything is good.

I am not bitter about what happened, as that emotion would really get me no where. I've accepted that hindsight is 20/20 and I choose to believe that the medical staff did what they thought was best at the time. But, with the review happening, I hope that this case will impact their decision making in the positive for future pregnant mamas with bleeding and that they can have a better outcome than I.

My reflecting isn't just reserved for the hospitals though. Typically, grieving people will blame themselves and try to figure out what they did wrong and honestly I am no exception. While I logically know that no good comes from that, I emotionally can't help it. When Dexter was born, I called him many nicknames but the one that stuck the best was "monkey" and now he definitely acts like a monkey. I jokingly said that I was going to be more careful in my nickname choice this time and called Wentworth an "obediant angel". Now I wonder if I doomed him to his destiny with that nickname.

I wonder if I should have avoided caffeine 100%.

I wonder if my fender bender at 24 weeks caused a small placental tear that went unnoticed.

I wonder if my supreme mood swings and bitchiness during pregnancy created a hostile womb or at least made him think "I want the heck out of this family".

I wonder if my anxiety about how I would handle two kids and my (short) disappointment about having another boy set things into motion in the universe to take him away.

I wonder if before I began this life, I chose to go through this experience to grow as a spirit/soul.

I wonder if picking up Dexter caused a "trauma".

I wonder if I should have packed up my whole family and went to the Grey Nuns immediately that night.

I wonder if I didn't want him enough.

I wonder if Tyler didn't want him enough.

I wonder if I created a serial killer or other bad person and God took him away to spare other people hurt.

I wonder if I was too fat and unhealthy.

I wonder if I ate too much junk food during my pregnancy.

I wonder if I had been wearing the right numerology color that night if things would have been different.
I wonder if my body did something or was ill-equipped to handle this (or more) pregnancies.

I wonder...

Rice Necklace & A Tattoo?

Rice Necklace:

When I was a teenager reading my YM & Seventeen magazines I really wanted a "rice necklace": a grain of rice with something written on it, in a glass tube in a necklace format. The necklaces were featured in all the ads in the back of the magazine but you needed a credit card to order one so of course it was an impossibility at the time, but it got added to my Bucket List. Then, in 2001, I was at the Fringe Festival with some friends and there was a rick necklace stand! I got one made with my name on one side and Tyler's name on the other - not smart in retrospect as we'd only been dating a year, but luckily it worked out! I totally love it and it remains one of my most wear jewellery pieces today.

While my cremation necklace is nice, it isn't as fulfilling emotionally as I had hoped. So I had the inspiration to look into getting a rice necklace with Wentworth's name on it, and possibly Dexter's but I haven't decided which way I want to go with that yet. I was hoping to maybe get a lead on somewhere in Edmonton that I could get one (to save myself shipping and purchase delay) but worst case scenario I can always purchase one online.

Tattoo:

At Christmas time I had the opportunity to see Tyler's cousin Jen and her beautiful tattoo of her son (he's alive and well but it's still beautiful). Her hubby also has some nice tats and I got a bit of "ink frenzy" from them. I already have a small tattoo and always said that my next ones would be related to my kid(s) as they are one thing you are virtually guaranteed to never change your mind about, as love for your kids tends to be unconditional.

My original idea was to get a wing with Wentworth's name on my left shoulder blade; I want something fairly simple as I am a wimp and more detail equals more time and pain. I tried to google the image I had in my mind and was unsuccessful in finding anything that was quite right. In my research I saw some other ideas though that I am considering...

WING & HEART TAT: I like the wing shape/type of this tattoo (but not the rest of it, a little gothic for me).

 WHITE WINGS: I like the idea of coloring in the white.

STAR WITH NAME SWOOSH: I like the idea of having the star & then starting to list all the names of my boys, and having room for more later.

HEART & FEET: I just think this is adorable & cute.  

ABSTRACT BUTTERFLY: I love the little butterfly sillouettes and the abstract lines.

FLOWER & STARS: I LOVE the stars and lines of this one. The outside line shading looks so neat.

WRIST TATS: and then to be completely off track, I kind of like the idea of just doing his name on my wrist. It would be much more "in my face" so I'll definitely have to think this one through.

Thoughts?

Final thought, while I think I am doing pretty good, maybe I'm not doing as good as I thought? My interest in these two things demonstrates that I am still searching for something to fill the void. Or is it simply to commemorate him because I'm worried that I am forgetting? The first few days after I lost Wentworth, the pain was near unbearable and filled my every waking moment (unless I had a few distractions). Now it is more of a dull ache that I am vaguely aware of until something brings it to the surface. Tyler's same cousin Jen was due this month along with me and had her baby yesterday. I am very happy for her but when I re-read her announcement today I had a twinge of sadness. I guess that's just normal :-)

A few more pics I had of Wentworth

It's Been a Month...How Am I?

I'm doing good. And I'm not just saying that as a pat expression, I truly am doing well overall. Since I emptied my plate with the intentions of having a baby this month, and that no longer being my destiny, I decided to refill my plate with a few key things to keep me busy and enthusiastic about the future.

The first thing I did was volunteer as Head Organizer for my local Mommy Group. I was already a Co-Organizer but this position steps up some of the tasks I will be in charge of and gives me a little more rein to be creative. We still operate as a democracy within the organizing team but I'm already beginning to feel drunk with power...just kidding! It's a fun group and I'm excited to continue to be a part of it's leadership.

Secondly, I bit the bullet on something I've been pondering casually for years and seriously for months: I've decided to become a Primerica Financial Representative. It's involves a committment to learning, my first few steps include a 40 hour prep course, field training, practise exams and peaks with a Provincial Exam challenge. I have always loved learning and (weirdly) tests so I'm really looking forward to this. I'll be in a position to help people get their financial house in order and by educating them to some degree as well they should be able to keep it in order (you know the old proverb you can give a man fish vs teach a man to fish). My Primerica mentor is Jasmine and she is a wonderfully smart and energically bright woman so I'm excited to have her in my corner.

I have had a few challenges this month on an emotional level. On January 10th, I had some significant bleeding that was borderline "too much". I wasn't sure if it was re-newed post partum bleeding (which would be bad) or my cycle returning (which would be good). After a phone call to Health Link it was suggested that I visit a doctor within 24 hours. It was unlikely that I'd be able to get into a doctor that quickly so I decided to go to the Grey Nuns emerge on January 11th - which happened to be the 1 month anniversary of Wentworth's birth and death. I was a bit freaked out that if this was re-newed bleeding and they couldn't get it to stop that the worst case result would be a hysterectomy. I'm pretty sure that was an extremely unlikely occurance but I was freaked out non-the-less. When I was waiting in line to be registered in emerge I saw the hallway that the ambulance guys first brought me into that night one month ago. I've been pretty good at keeping my emotions at bay lately, but as soon as I realized that it was the same hallway I started to cry. My friend Shannon reassured me that it was merely a human response, but it really caught me off guard.  After a few tears I was able to get it under control without anyone noticing.

After giving some blood for tests, I waited for several hours and then went to the admitting desk again to inquire how much longer it would be. The nurse checked out my registration and told me that she had had a stillbirth 24 years ago and she remembered it like it was yesterday. Her sympathies were appreciated but again caused me to tear up. It's really interesting what causes a reaction in me and what doesn't! In the end, after 3 1/2 hours of waiting, the doctor told me he was fairly confident it was my cycle. I trusted his judgement as I wasn't having any other symptoms so all seems good a few days later now.

The other thing that I was a little sensitive about was that for some reason I decided to go down memory lane and look at the photos from when Dexter was first born. He was such an adorable baby and reminded me of what I am missing right now. Hopefully when I see my doctor on Jan 30 for my 6 week check up, she will give us an "all clear" for trying again. My blood work should be back from the genetic screening and other tests they were doing so we should have all the information we need to make a decision about what's the best choice. The common suggestion for women in similar situations to mine seems to be to wait 3 months post partum so *fingers crossed* she won't recommend anything more than that. And *fingers crossed* that losing Wentworth was just a random unexplained event that won't impact future pregnacies.

Lastly, I just wanted to add that a friend of mine confided in me that she is expecting. I had told her recently that I knew she was trying and that as soon as she got a positive I wanted to be in the know. I was pretty sure that I would only have happiness for her news since I would be happy that she was adding to her family and I was right! I think my reaction with my brother-in-law was mostly fuelled by the fact that I wouldn't be happy for his news ever, let alone so close to my loss. Anyway, so that means if you are someone that I respect and think is a good parent, than I will probably be interested in hearing your baby news!

The Generousity Continues: January Birth Club

Early in my pregnancy with Wentworth, I came across "Birth Clubs" on baby center. It's a forum/message board where you talk with other mom's who are due the same month as you. The set up is a little cumbersome so one of the members started a facebook group for all of us in the 01/2012 Birth Club. The women are from all across Canada and it's been a neat experience to be able to post questions, answers questions, start debates and communiate with mom's from many different backgrounds. It's really been just a few months but because of the shared experience you really feel like you get to know people. I shared my placenta abruption experience with the group from the moment I was sitting in the emergency room in Leduc with bleeding from an unknown cause and I felt their support throughout the experience and continually since then.

However, I was completely surprised when Tyler came home from the mailbox with a very large & heavy box - I wasn't expecting any parcels as this was after Christmas. I looked at the return address and recognized the name as one of my fellow birth club mama's. I opened the box to find tons of thoughtful items:

-a bottle of Bailey's (one of my top two alcoholic beverages),

-a unique sweater that is both pretty and flattering (and fits wells),

-a box of Purdy's chocolates,

-a beautiful pewter frame with Wentworth's name engraved (this is SO beautiful),

-a personalized christmas ornament with Wentworth's name,

-a homemade scupture of a mom with her 'angel baby' (so adorable),

-a travel mug,
-bath products including lotion, bubble bath and a loofah from bath & body works,
-a tea sampler (I love tea),
and a gift certificate to Boston Pizza.

Tyler and I were blown away by this parcel. I was awestruck that women that I only knew virtually, went to so much trouble and effort to send me this wonderful gift of many gifts to brighten my day and show support. I don't have addresses to thank them, so the best I can do, is list the names of the ones I know of here as a "shout out" (with only a last initial as to protect their privacy...if I missed anyone please let me know!):

Melissa J
Krystal J
Erica M
Caitlin C
Rayna A
Lydia O
Christina C
Jenn K
Leigh-Ann B

Cecette B

Hollie B

Linds A

Kim D
Marylea C

Robin R

Thank you ladies! And I look forward to continuing our friendship!

Mommy Group Generousity

To keep the balance of positive/negative in check, I finally want to write about how wonderful my mommy group has been to us. I joined "Leduc Mommy Mingle" in August 2010 shortly after moving to Leduc. I've been an active member ever since and I joined as an Organizer in March/April.

I had a Christmas party scheduled for the day Wentworth was born, so I had announced a family emergency as the reason for cancelling it. My good friend and co-organizer Shannon immediately called to see what had happened, and once she found out she came to visit us in the hospital. The hospital had offered us a few options for Wentworth (burial/cremation coordinated by us or Let the hospital take care of it). I asked Shannon how much cremation costs (as a good friend of her's had passed away recently) and she had thought services etc had come to $1500. We were pretty sure we wanted cremation only with no service and Shannon told us to focus on what we wanted because she was going to start a donation drive within our group to help with the costs involved.

Well I was/am blown away by the support in all forms that I received. I got many texts, emails, cards and messages of sympathy and offering help in all kinds of ways . I was saddened and uplifted to have several ladies share their own personal stories of loss. A few girls got together and sent an edible arrangement of fruit. Several ladies sent food over including lasagnas, pot pies, soup, buns, deli meats & cheese, cookies and juice. Several ladies sent other items over including candles, Scentsy, treats/toys for Dexter our toddler, poems and ornaments.

Last but not least, was the overwhelming financial donation...I believe when the final tally was done it was close to $1500! Nearly half of our 50 person group had donate their hard earned money to show their support & love.

I'm hoping that once we are financially stable we will be able to literally pay forward this donation, but in the meantime I'll have to pay it forward in spirit and deed. We're so thankful for the kindness shown to us from my group and I feel very fortunate to be a part of this group :-)

Upsetting News

I thought I was doing pretty good with the grieving process. In fact, when I looked at the different stages, it appeared that I had been through them all - which seemed quick to me. What I think I have learned since then, is that sometimes you are going to swing back into some of those stages depending on the moments of the day.

Our first part of Christmas where we spent it with my family was really good. I found all the visiting distracting and other than a few moments of shared sadness with others, I didn't dwell on what had happened too much. Our second "phrase" of Christmas had three sections divided by our travelling. The first section was an overnight stay at my Aunt's where my Grandma also lives and my cousin's son was visiting too and he's the same age as Dexter. Plus my brother and his son were there, so it was another fun and distracting night. The next day, December 23, we headed out to Cypress Hills, SK where we were spending four days over Christmas with Tyler's family. We had rented cabin's and there was 28 of us including all the kids. Due to finances, Tyler and I were sharing a two bedroom cabin with Tyler's brother Tyrone, Tyrone's girlfriend of 10 months Bobbie, and (depending when he got them), Tyrone's two daughers who are 5 & 2.5 years old. 

I'm just going to interject here, that some have called me "strong" and "brave" for writing about my experience with Wentworth. I personally haven't felt like either of those two things. All I know is that I am a sharer & talker by nature so blogging and getting feedback has helped me come to some peace with everything. Plus, there isn't really any consequences for sharing this experience. HOWEVER, the second half of this blog entry is what I would consider brave, because I am going to be 100% honest about how I felt when we got some news. There could be some reprecussions for this as I'm sure my brother-in-law Tyrone and his girlfriend won't like what I have to say. It's also possible that my mother-in-law may be hurt by what I have to say. BUT I have decided that I need to make this entry for my own therapy, so the readers of it have to choose to continue reading at their own risk. I will do my best to only write the truth, but keep in mind that this is my perspective so what I consider truth may not be someone else's.

So, when Tyrone arrived at the cabins with his GF, he came over to my mother-in-law's cabin where a bunch of us were hanging out: Mary (mother-in-law/MIL), Sherry (sister to Mary), Jen (daughter of Sherry), Justin (finance of Jen), Jonathan (son of Jen & Justin), Tyler (my hubby), Dexter (my son) and me of course. When Bobbie (the GF) came in, she handed Mary a gift and said "it's not wrapped in Christmas paper because it's not a Christmas gift." Mary has a few different interests, so my first assumption was that they had found something for one of these interests and decided to gift it to her early. Tyrone took out his camera and started filming Mary opening the gift. It was an elephant holding a baby elephant (Mary collects elephants), which to me symbolized that they were announcing that Bobbie was pregnant. Tyrone did this same "big announcement" before with his first baby mama 6 years ago using Christmas gifts so I figured that was his signature. Mary didn't catch on right away and most of us in the cabin figured out what was happening before she did. Once she figured it out, they handed her an ultrasound picture and said she was eight weeks. I was super upset as soon as it was confirmed, but I held back my emotions until I could get away from the group. Tyrone and Bobbie appeared completely oblivious to the fact that I may be upset by their news and even Tyler didn't seem to think it would upset me (which is weird I think). Unfortunately for me, I was sharing a cabin with the two of them and they went there to fix some drinks, so I ended up crying by myself on the trail outside waiting for them to leave (I didn't want them to see how upset I was or anyone else in Tyler's family).

My reasons for being upset were/are kind of multi-layered. For one, I'm obviously upset because I had just lost Wentworth 12 days before. I was/am still healing from giving birth and all I had to show for it was a box of ashes in our room and an urn. Secondly, I was hurt that they were oblivous to the idea that I might be upset, and she was only 8 weeks so they could easily have waited four more weeks to make their announcement, and it just seemed really self-involved of them.

Thirdly, they have only been dating a short time, and in my opinion they have no business getting pregnant (on purpose) already. I'm not religious or old fashioned so it's not that I think they need to be married, but I do think they lack a strong foundation or committment to each other and it seems very impulsive and selfish to get pregnant right now. Tyrone also has two children already with another woman (who he was also not married to and had been dating for an even shorter time, clearly he has a pattern) and he hasn't been living up to his Daddy Duties with them. He has never paid any official child support for them (him and baby mama have been split since oldest daughter was 1 year old, they purposely get pregnant with second daughter when they were not dating) and his emotional involvement with them is sparse & sporadic in my opinion. When him & first baby mama were together, I often heard complaints about his lack of parenting effort too. As a woman, I don't understand why Bobbie would think that Tyrone is going to do any differently or better with her child. On the few occassions that I have been with Bobbie and Tyrone I have heard him be downright rude and insulting to her. Tyrone has also been chronically unemployed for most of the last five years, though he has had a job in a casino for the last 10 months. Also, the last time I had seen Bobbie she told me she just finalized her divorce so I don't understand the rush of getting pregnant. I completely lost any respect for her I might have been building when she made this dumbass move.

On top of that, Tyrone & I don't have the best history together. I am very judgemental of his lack of ambition, bag of excuses (aka victim mentality) and consistent mooching off of other people. He is very opinionated (of course he is "right" about everything) and can be downright difficult to get along with. We have had some out and out explosive arguements together. The only reason we don't anymore, is because I have practised not caring what he says, thinks and does and therefore try not to instigate any discussions with him. In my defense, although it may appear that I am very one minded about Tyrone, I could list dozens of names of people who know him who think the same as I do. The only person I know who has given him a pass on everything is his mother. I am not trying to be self-righteous, but at least with the majority of other people I know who have made mistakes, their's aren't intentional decisions.

So...if someone else had announced their pregnancy news, I might have had a different reaction. But as it was, it was them and I can't help but feel that it is total universe bullshit that we lost our baby and these two fuckups (pardon my french) will likely have a baby before I will. Shortly after it was apparent that I was upset (cuz I stayed in my room for the rest of the night rather than let anyone witness my tears), Tyrone tried to tell Tyler and his mom that "they weren't sure if they should have made the announcement." Their excuse for why they went ahead anyway was that they didn't want Mary to be mad that she missed the opportunity to tell all her family in person at Christmas. And that they had a last minute ultrasound so they felt comfortable telling. In my opinion, this "remorse" is too little and too late.

Piece of advice: if you're questioning if you should do something, it's probably reason enough not to do it.