Book Club Generosity

The ladies in the Leduc Library Book Club (maybe a dozen of us), decided to donate to the Grey Nuns hospital in our name and Wentworth's memory. Considering that we meet only once a month for an hour or so, and I have only be going about 7 months ish, their care and concern is amazing. I received an email today saying that they donated $210! Since our after-care at Grey Nuns was amazing I was glad they decided to donate there & hopefully the money will be able to help someone or possibly many someones.

Wentworth's Urn

It is a 3" x 3" x 3" pewter cube, with the engraving on top that says "Wentworth Elliot, 11-12-11".

We picked it out because it doesn't look like an "urn" and instead is something we would choose to decorate with in a normal circumstance. We got it on Sunday afternoon (Dec 18th) right before we left for my Christmas with my parents. We got Wentworth's ashes on Saturday night (Dec 17th). It's been really wonderful to have them both with us, here at my parents.

I have also ordered a cremation necklace online, and am anxiously awaiting for that to arrive after Christmas. The pictures of the necklace are copyrighted unfortunately, but here is the link if you'd like to see it:

http://www.evrmemories.com/baby-blue-heart-funeral-jewelry-p/evr2021.htm

A Quick Note

We got Wentworth's ashes on Saturday night and I have felt an odd sense of peace since doing that. I don't know if it was a coincidence of timing or what? I'm not saying I'm over it by any means, but I don't feel as much of a hole right now and I don't feel the need to dwell on what happened. That being said I have his pictures on my phone which I look at frequently and I have had the opportunity to talk about him several (many) times each day with different people, fulfilling different needs. We are at my parents for early Christmas right now and we brought Wentworth along with us which makes me feel really good to have him here.

Our First Day With & Without Wentworth

The anesteologist (sp?) was very sweet, she told me how beautiful our baby was and how sorry she was about our loss. Most of the nurses and the doctor left the room and the one nurse in charge of my after care stayed. She asked us if we'd like to hold the baby (still nameless) and I did. It was a very weird experience because other than being blue, he looked healthy and complete. He was far enough along that he was all baby and not "fetus" if that makes sense? At this point, I couldn't help but think that he looked big enough and strong enough to survive outside me and I wish we had taken him out before it was too late. When the bleeding had started, all I could think was that it was too soon and he needed to stay inside me as long as possible. Little did I know that he was actually at risk inside once the placenta had detached. I don't know how it works, but it's horrible to imagine that my baby essentially suffocated inside me. It seems like a cruel & horrific way to go and it's heartbreaking to imagine (which of course I do).

I am not a religious person, but I do have some collective beliefs that I consider my philosophies. One of them is that as a spirit, we come to this world many times to learn and grown. Each life we have is hand picked before we come, with certain experiences and the harder the life the more we grow. I had read in a book a few years ago specifically about babies of miscarriage, stillborn and preemie death. Those who have the same philosophies as me, believe that these spirits have accelerated growth from this experience and that they have knowingly chosen this experience before coming here. I take some comfort in these thoughts, that my baby has benefits from this tragic end rather than being some sort of punishment.

I also realised that I am more optimistic than I thought. As much as I question what happened and will it away, I have to believe that somewhere in the big picture it was for a positive reason. Like perhaps the will of the universe was for me to lose my husband or toddler but instead Wentworth gave his life for us in that place. As much as we are mourning Wentworth now, we didn't actually get to meet him and get attached to a particular personality, so it is more of a mourning of lost opportunity than the mourning of a specific person. I think for every day & week & year you have with someone, that pain and hurt would be magnified. If you asked me if I'd rather have Wentworth be born but pass away after a week, I'm not sure that I would choose that. While it would have been precious to meet this little man, the pain would probably be even more unbearable and I don't know that I'd be strong enough to get through it.

After we took some time with Wentworth, we had to call some of our family & friends. We were scheduled to have a big Christmas party at our house that day so I had to cancel the party and thus a few friends found out right away. Calling family was really hard, I had been up all night with no sleep and so I had even less capacity to handle the emotions, though I had lots of adrenaline so I wasn't feeling tired.

Once you're cleared to do it, the nurses like you to shower right away. During that shower Tyler and I were talking and we were both adamant that we never wanted to go through this again so we were never going to get pregnant again. Maybe we adopt. However, I think it was by that afternoon or evening, we both already forgot that vow and were thinking we would want to try again. It's weird how quickly things change? I think we had both already done some healing and once out of the immediacy of the situation realized how much we wanted another child and for that child to be ours as much as possible. Plus it looks like we really do make beautiful babies together :-)

It was important to me that we name the baby and give him a proper burial/cremation and existence in this world. The hospital does have the option of letting them do a generic burial if you don't want to deal with it (which I'm sure works best for some people). Because of how close we were to the end, I really wanted to honour his memory and not just "sweep it under the rug" or pretend it didn't happen. We hadn't had a name picked out for baby boy yet but we had a few front runners. However, we were hesitant to use a name we LOVED because if we had a boy in the future, our short list of names would be even shorter. Wentworth and Elliott were on the list of names we liked but probably wouldn't use. Wentworth was nixed before because of how unique it was and we didn't think it'd be fair to saddle someone with that name. Elliott was nixed earlier because Tyler didn't really care for it and because I didn't like any of the potential nicknames. So, since this little boy was never going to have to deal with playground teasing, etc or worry about nicknames, we felt like Wentworth Elliott would be a good fit. We loved the sound of it and didn't have any of the hang-ups. In hindsight, the name Wentworth is also appropriate because although he "went" away it was still "worth" it.

I wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible. Our room had no windows and it felt like a dungeon plus the "scene of the crime" so to speak. I wanted to take solice in seeing Dexter and appreciate what we did have instead of dwelling on what we lost. However, one hard part of leaving the hospital was that it felt like I was abandoning Wentworth there, leaving him all alone. The logical part of me knew that this was just a body and his spirit wasn't there, but it still felt like that.

The hospital was willing to release me 6 hours post delivery, around 2pm at the earliest. Before I could leave they had some pills to give me to cease milk production (which seem to be working really well) and the on-call doctor wanted to talk to us. The doctor said that its pretty unusual for someone having a perfectly average pregnancy to end up with a stillborn. I had just had an ultrasound at 32 weeks (so 11 days before) and everything was fine in that. The factors that are know to bring on placenta abruption are: trauma, cocaine use, diabetes, smoking and high blood pressure. There was nothing that happened on Saturday that would be trauma (such as a fall), I don't smoke or use drugs, I passed my gestational diabetes test and my blood pressure has always been perfect. There is one other factor that could have contributed and that is a genetic pre-disposition on my part. Pregnancy can give false results so I have to wait until 4 weeks post partum to go for testing. The results of that test will impact our decision on whether or not to try again. If I get a negative result on the blood test, that basically leaves just random bad luck, which my doctor said the positive side of that is its far less likely to occur again.

The on-call doctor also told us that they are reviewing our case to make sure everything was done properly. He double checked some facts with me, and said he looked at the file and the only thing he could see is that if I had been at Grey Nuns they probably would have kept me on the baby monitor the whole time (which means they would have seen baby's heartrate dropping and likely would have emergency c-sectioned). If Leduc hospital was at fault in any way, that would be much harder for me to deal with. As of right now, if feels like something horrible but possibly unavoidable. Knowing the outcome could have been different makes it much harder to accept. I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently. I was also the one who chose to go to the Leduc hospital (5 minutes away) first instead of driving to Grey Nuns (30 minutes away). In my mind, being at a hospital was important and I had felt they would know if I needed to be sent to Grey Nuns right away or not.

We've had lots of time to review that day and what happened and for me the biggest question for the Leduc Hospital was why they didn't send me to Edmonton right away. As far as my post-delivery googling information has told me, 3rd trimester bleeding is 95% likely to be placenta abruption. In that case, I would need to deliver baby ASAP and Leduc is not set up for deliveries or c-sections. So, I'm wondering, in what instance would they have been equipped to help me and why were they hesitant to send me onward? Is there any non-serious reason I could have been bleeding? Especially as the Edmonton hospital is 30 minutes away, the conservative decision would have been to send me there ASAP as that delay could mean the world of difference. In my non-medical opinion, this was a mistake and if the doctor was following procedure than I think procedure should change.  This situation makes it even tougher to deal with what happened, because I can't help but blame myself for going to Leduc hospital. And I can't help but question if I had just gone to Grey Nuns, would my baby be alive and with me today. It's not productive or helpful to think these things but it's impossible not to.

An amazing service the Grey Nuns offer is a memory box of your baby if you'd like one. A photographer comes to take some pictures of him, they do a foot mould, foot prints, take a lock of hair and give you some of the paper documents. I also got a receiving blanket and knit outfit that they had put on him for the photos, as well as a teddy bear donated by a family that went through the same thing. The idea behind the teddy bear is so you don't have to go home with empty arms. Our after care was amazing at Grey Nuns and I'm thankful that if we did have to go through this, that they have such amazing programs and people in place for support and understanding. 

We went home that afternoon and I finally got some sleep between 5pm - 7pm. A few of my friends from my mommy group stopped by to drop off tons of food that they had put together. My friend Shannon also told me that she was starting a donation thing so that we wouldn't have to worry about the cost of cremation, urns, etc. [Tyler has been off work since July and things have been tight with us. There have been a few job opportunities in Fort McMurray but we've been holding out for local work as we both really want him home every night, especially as I was pregnant. Family is really important to us so we've been sacrificing financial security in the hopes it'll work out soon.] It feels very weird to be the subject of a charity but we honestly are in a place of need. Once we are back on our feet financially I am hoping we'll be able pay forward all the generosity we have received (*more on all of the generosity in a future blog). Despite being an optimist, I am not a "rainbows & sunshine" kind of girl, so I have felt pretty overwhelmed by the love and support we are receiving for all avenues and the amount of it. Some people that we barely know are hurting for us and it really gives me faith in human kind.

The Incredibly Short Life of Wentworth Elliott Nelson

December 10th, 2011

We, Tyler, Dexter & I, spent the evening at a friend's house with a few other familiess, celebrating Christmas. We had an awesome deep fried turkey dinner with all the fixings and the kids played together as much as 2 year olds do. It was an early evening and we were home by 9pm. I felt mostly good except that baby felt like he was in a weird position making me feel very full, and my ankles/feet were super swollen. I decided to watch some TV with my feet up before tackling my "to do" list for a Christmas party we were hosting the next day.

December 11th, 2011

12:10am - Just finished watching SNL and decided to hit the bathroom. I have had incontinence issues this pregnancy and was pretty sure I had peed a little bit while laughing at SNL. When I sat down on the toilet I saw that my inconstinence pad was soaked in blood and when I looked into the toilet I saw urnine and blood mixed together. I started freaking out right away but Tyler didn't know that it was probably a big deal. I told him I was either calling the health link number or going to the Leduc Emergency. I tried Health Link and got a waiting cue so I hung up...I was crying because I assumed this was a very terrible sign and I decided I would just go to the emergency. I threw on some sweat pants and told Tyler to stay home with Dexter and I would call him once I knew what was going on and whether or not I would be going on to Grey Nuns Hospital in Edmonton.

12:20am - Arrived at Leduc Hospital Emergency waiting room. I told the intake nurse that I was bleeding and immediately started crying again. She pulled me into the back where another nurse (quite unfriendly) started taking my information and took my blood pressure. She told me she didn't have any rooms available at the moment so to go back to the waiting room and she would get me when she "kicked someone out". She also told me to go to the bathroom in 5 minutes and see if there was more blood.

The friendly intake nurse realized she was missing my address, etc so she called me over to get the additonal information. She also asked me how far along I was (33 weeks) and said that her twins were born at 28 weeks and were doing well. I knew from a recent ultrasound that my baby was about 4 lbs and she said her twins were 1.5 lbs and 2 lbs so that made me feel a little better. I went to the bathroom and there was blood but just a little bit more, no where near the amount I had at home. I told the friendly intake nurse that.

12:44am - I got called into the back where I was put in a room, put on a hospital gown and then proceeded to get hooked up to the non-stress test. A third nurse was doing this and she was also friendly, she had a hard time getting the sensor to continue to pick up the heartbeat but finally got it and left the room. She told me she'd be back in a couple minutes to check on me, but that I'd be monitored for 10 minutes total. I was also told to hit the button when I felt baby move. I didn't feel a whole lot but a few times I thought I maybe felt a tiny kick or two (but wasn't sure). During this time I was having a bit of pain, similar to weak menstral cramps, and my abdomin felt really sensitive to touch and put any pressure on. A lab lady came by and took a blood sample. The alarm went off on the fetal machine and the unfriendly nurse came and such it off. The alarm went off again and then figured out that it was probably going off because the sensor kept losing track of the heartbeat. She moved the sensor around and finally got it working. Friendly nurse came back, probably around 1:20am. I told her the other nurse moved the sensor (baby's heartrate hovered around 135 the whole time), but I don't think they had a full sheet of data so she left me hooked up and left again. All in all I think I was hooked up to the machine until about 2am.

2:00am? - Unhooked me from the machine and asked if I'd be up for a urine sample. I said sure as pregnant ladies can pretty much pee on command. I was given a urnine sample cup and pointed to the bathroom. There was quite a lot of blood this time. I came out of the bathroom and there were no staff around so I went back to my room. Sat there for a few minutes, then came out with my urine to see if anyone was there yet. They were so I handed them my sample. They said they would send them to the lab and the doctor said that he was going to call Grey Nuns after the results and probably end up sending me there.

Went back to my room. Had to go to the bathroom again so did and there was a lot more blood again as well as clots. Came out and told the doctor this, also said I was in a lot of menstrual cramping pain and asked for some Tylenol to help (as I know Tylenol is safe). Doctor asked if I felt dizzy (which I didn't), and some other things which I wasn't. Nurse brought me some tylenol and told me to get comfortable as I waited for my results. Was getting super tired and asked if I could use my cell to call my hubby. They offered to bring a phone into my room.

I moved around the room and the bed and couldn't get comfortable. I laid in the bed and then just started crying from the pain. Then I realized the last time I felt this much pain and had tears was when I was in labor with Dexter. So I went back out to the doctor and told him this, thinking maybe I had mistook all that pain and been having constractions the whole time. He checked my stomach and the pressure hurt a lot. He said he wanted to give me an IV and would give me some morphine and send me via ambulance to the Grey Nuns hospital. *Note: Leduc Hospital does not do deliveries or c-sections. I was registered with Grey Nuns to have my baby there in January.

The unfriendly nurse attemped two IVs in my right arm with no luck but a lot of pain. She called the 3rd nurse in to try the other arm. That nurse tried twice again with no luck and a lot of pain (I don't remember them hurting that bad any other time). They wrapped a heated blanket on my right arm to help. A bit later they attempted the 5th IV and finally got it. Then I got the morphine and the pain decreased. From a 12 to a 5...the ambulance guys transferred me and called me a pin cushion as they witnessed the damage to my arms. Sometime during the IV process I called Tyler to fill him in and he made arrangements to drop Dexter off at a friends and meet me at Grey Nuns. My blood pressure was checked several times but baby was not checked at all during this time or since the fetal monitoring.

4:30am? - I arrive at Grey Nuns around this time. The morphine was wearing off and the pain was increasing. I got registered and put in the group pregnancy admitting room. A very nice nurse (who ended up being with me the whole time) started to hook me up to the non-stress test for which you start with the heartrate monitor. She was having a hard time locating it and I was trying to be helpful by saying they had a hard time in Leduc too and where they found it. She couldn't get it so they wheeled over an ultrasound machine and tried to find it that way. When I watched on the screen I saw the rib shot and didn't see the typically flicker that is usually baby's heartrate. Then the nurses started talking really low to themselves and I was pretty sure they were NOT seeing what I was also not seeing.

5:00am? - Tyler arrives and comes over. I tried to mouth to him about them not seeing the heartrate but he wasn't getting it. The nurses got the on-call doctor (Dr.Lee) but I can't remember if this was before or after Tyler got there. She checked my dialation (3cm) and decided to break my water so that she could attach a sensor directly to baby's head to check the heartrate. There was no heartbeat.

The doctor said she was calling a radiologist so that she could get a complete ultrasound scan done. The radiologist didn't want to come in before 9am. She told him tough and to get in ASAP. The doctor and nurses don't really come out and say what this all means leaving us to fill in the blanks. I realized this means there is pretty much no hope but Tyler didn't get that same message so we called the doctor in again. I asked, "shouldn't you be c-sectioning?" She said "yes, I hope when the radiologist does the scan i am wrong and then I would cut you immediately". So I asked "if there was even a 1% chance shouldn't you be doing that right now" and she basically said yes. Which meant there wasn't even a 1% chance he was okay. I ask what the process will be and she said once the scan was confirmed she would induce me and I would go through labor and delivery. Then she left again.

Tyler & I started talking and I was like "why do I need to deliver? why can't I just get a c-section". So we buzzed the nurses and she came back and I asked the same questions. She was like "you can do whatever you what to make this easier for you." Then left to tell the doctor that I was considering the c-section. The doctor came back right away and was like "you don't want the c-section because it is so much worse for any future births and risks of uterine rupture". Also there is the recovery time, much less with birthing. She basically convinced me that the best thing in the long run was to labor.

6:50am - I am having some more pain so the nurse checks me and I am still 3cm dialated. I find out that the radiologist is finally here and I get wheeled down to do the complete ultrasound scan. The tech does the scan wordlessly then says he will take the pictures to the radiologist. He leaves and we are in a darkly lite room with no nurse buzzer.

7:00am - My pain starts becoming unbearable and I feel like I am going to throw up. I beg Tyler to figure out a way for me to get some more painkillers. Since there is no nurse buzzer he is unable to call anyone or do anything. However he does awesome at holding my hand and trying to keep my breathing focused. Eventually someone arrives to wheel me back upstairs to a labour and delivery room. My original nurse sees how much pain I'm in and calls for the doctor. She checks me and thinks I am 9cm dilated. I can't handle the pain and I throw up several times. The doctor checks me and says I am actually 6cm, then orders the epidural. In the meantime I get a little more morphine. The anesteologist (or whatever the heck they're called) arrives and she is super nice. I have to sit up for her to prepare my back and do the epidural. Sitting up causes the contractions to be right on top of each other. I got the freezing needle in the back but I can't stay in the right position for her to get the epidural in. The doctor insists on checking me to see how dialated I am (which I really didn't want because if I as far enough dialated she said I'd have to push). I really resisted lying down but eventually did it. I was 9cm so I missed out on the epidural and had to push. The anesteologist said she could keep giving me "remi" (not sure what that is), a short term painkiller to help keep the edge of the pain off. She stayed by my sid and held my one leg for the pushing. Tyler held the other and there were three other nurses there as well.

With the first push he crowned but I felt the tear. I didn't want to do anymore as I found the pain unbearable. My contraction stopped and I insisted on waiting before pushing again. All the doctors and nurses and Tyler were telling me to push but I needed time to compose myself. Not to be gross, but I also felt like I was having a bowel movement and it felt like it was "easing out" on its own so I figured instead of pushing baby out I was going to deep breath/ease him out (kind of hypnobaby philosophy style). I'm not sure how many minutes later it was but this is pretty much exactly what happened, I gave a tiny little extra push and he came out @ 7:55am.

7:55am - They put him on the baby bed and he was very, very blue. I guess that is normal as he was without oxygen for at least three hours and up to six hours. I delivered the placenta and the doctor confirms that the placenta ruptured as she expected that was what caused his death (as for why the placenta ruptured we don't know - more on that later). I have a very minor, first degree tear only requiring one stitch. The natural hormones from delivering must be kicking in because I'm having very logical thoughts about "everything happens for a reason" etc. Tyler, up until this point, was still holding out hope so when he saw our baby come out he finally broke down. I was asked if I wanted to hold him and I did and he looked beautiful to me.

*I have a lot more to add about our time in the hospital that day and our experiences since then, however they will be different posts. This post is dedicated to the story of what happened leading up to the birth*

Birth Details & Pictures

Wentworth Elliott Nelson
Born/Died December 11, 2011 @ 7:55am
4 lbs 4 oz ~ 17 Inches Long