I had read, quite a while ago, that the famous Duggar family had suffered a loss with their 20th child (21 by some counts). Michelle had a miscarriage at 18 weeks and gave birth to a stillborn baby girl on December 11, 2011...coincidently the same day I gave birth to Wentworth. The event made the news for them because of their reality show, but also because they chose to do some memorial photos through a program called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and when the photos hit the public there was a big outcry that they were "disturbing." I can't say how I would have reacted prior to my experience but now that I have gone through what I did with Wentworth, I don't find the pictures disturbing at all. I think they are very tasteful and beautiful. I'll post two of them here, my only regret is that the 2nd picture has the TMZ watermark on it as I was unable to find an original clear photo.
The episode about their loss aired last week and I made sure to PVR it because I wanted to watch it and was lucky enough to have some time to watch it by myself. It was a positive experience for me to watch it as it was kind of therapeutic. While our experiences differ to some degree, there were definitely moments on film that felt virtually identical to my experience.
The episode opened with them talking about how excited they were to be pregnant again as it took about 2 years for her to get pregnant and they weren't sure that she was going to be able to get pregnant again. Jim Bob & Michelle were having a family meeting to brainstorm baby names for both a boy and girl as they didn't know gender yet. Then they took a trip to the NICU where the most recent baby, Josie, was born (eerily on December 10th). After that they headed to the ultrasound where you can typically find out gender. They had a plan where the sound man was going to find out the gender and then the whole family would hear the news at the same time (parents included). JB had decided to attend the ultrasound (so I guess he hadn't attended every one before) which was fortunate as he was there for Michelle when she got the news.
The first experience I identified with was how Michelle knew something was wrong as soon as the tech looked at the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat registering on the machine. I wouldn't wish that experience on someone, but I have to say that it WAS reassuring to share the experience with someone...to see it on the screen and see them have the same reaction I had. Maybe it makes a person feel more normal?
Next they had to go home and tell all their children the news. It was hard to watch as they tried to get everyone together in one room to tell them all at once. Everyone assumed it was for the big gender reveal (which was still unknown at that point), and had no idea of the bad news that was coming. My heart broke as the kids asked Michelle if she knew the gender and she had to keep her composure. It broke again as they struggled to get the right words out for the family and although they were sad, explain that it was God's will and that they were happy to have had even the 18 weeks of joy the baby had brought. [I'm not religious but I have my own beliefs which mirror the same sentiments.]
Michelle labored for three days before bringing baby girl Jubilee into this world. It was painful enough for me to have those hours of labour, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have three days of both physically and emotional pain. She handled it beautifully though, and took that time to connect with what was happening and write a letter to Jubilee. Amazing.
The family decided to have a funeral & burial for Jubilee. We chose against any kind of service as we wanted to mourn more privately (personal choice no judgement) and honestly I am just not a fan of funerals in general. I think the process of gathering everyone together would just magnify my pain. So I am still happy with the choice to do the cremation and no ceremony.
It was an hour episode where I shed a lot of tears and spend a little time after reflecting on my own lost baby. I have felt more emotional in general the last few weeks - pretty much since Tyler has been home as well as when I got the tattoo. I'm not sure if the emotions are related to that or to something entirely different. I really hate not having a handle on my emotions and being so sensitive. It reminds me of being a teenager LOL In case you're thinking it, no I'm not pregnant, or at least that's what mother nature tells me as I got my monthly reassurance. My "plan" as of today (it changes often), is to wait until the anniversary of Wentworth's conception passes before we do any sort of attempts at baby making. I would like to ensure if possible, that the due date of the next baby doesn't coincide with Wentworth's birth date or due date. Though I'm sure, whether I am pregnant or not, that the birth date with be a hard day anyway.
All in all, I'm glad I watched that episode of "19 Kids and Counting" and I recommend it for almost everyone as it is an experience worth watching.
*In case you're wondering why I said this was baby number 21, it's because Michelle said that her 2nd pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, a baby that they call Caleb. I'm guessing it was a fairly early miscarriage but they obviously count it as a child in their minds and Jubilee is officially counted so that gives them a count of 19 earth kids & 2 heaven kids.
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