So...when am I getting pregnant?

The jury is out. When I first met with the specialist she told me that there is nothing she could specifically point to that caused the placental abruption so she saw no reason for me to take precautions to get pregnant. However, she wanted me to redo one blood test & take an additional one to see if my post labour care would be different. By the time I came back for the results, the medical consensus was to do nothing different until I'd actually experienced a blood clot personally.

She apologized for not having more answers so I brought up the possibilty that the Leduc Doc thought I may have been pre-eclampic. The specialist said, if you were than I recommend you wait a year from the birth until you begin trying to conceive. So that was a bummer.

I decided to follow up with my OBGYN and get her opinion. Her nurse fielded the call and said that there was nothing in my file about possibly being pre-eclamptic so maybe I should be safe and wait 6 months...but that if I truly was pre-eclamptic than I should wait 2 years.

How's that for confusing? I don't want to wait unneccassarily, but I don't want to rush if it's not healthy to do so either. I had an appointment with my GP for my son, so I asked him what his thoughts were on the matter. He looked at my file and said in his opinion he didn't see any conclusive evidence that I was pre-eclampic and to take the other doctor's advice with a grain of salt. Why? Because it was merely their "educated" guess rather than anything based on conclusive studies.

My personal verdict? I'm not in a rush to get pregnant at this point, but I've said repeatedly that this could change on a daily basis. My ultimate goal is to wait until after the beginning of May as that's when Wentworth was conceived and I don't want to have a due or birth date around the same time. Beyond that, I think I am going to let whatever happens, happen. I'll be watching my cycle to see if I miss a period but I'm not sure if I'm going to plan any "baby dancing" on purpose. Tyler will be working out of a town a bit anyway, so that could ultimately negate any planning I make. I've also been taking folic acid daily since Christmas and as of today decided to take an actual prenatal vitamin (I was out of folic and had to buy a new vitamin supply anyway). In the past, prenatals have made me very nauseas but I'm going to do my best to get in a better pre-pregnancy place this time.

As soon as I know I'm pregnant, I've been told to go back to my OBGYN but I'm not sure that I want to keep her as my doctor. I guess I have a little more time to ponder that over.

In the meanwhile, as I said in the last post, I am keeping busy, busy, busy :-)

Remembering to Pause

Time is very subjective, and right now it is flying by for me. I have been keeping busy by committing to a new business venture and while I LOVE it, I have to remember to take time to pause and BE in life.

It's soooooo easy to take things for granted. Not that many months ago I was talking about how losing Wentworth made me realize how lucky I am to have Dexter & my hubby Tyler...and yet here I am falling into the same traps. Damn it, it is difficult to find balance and harmony in life! But the universe is very kind to me and gives me gentle reminders. Watching the Duggar's story was one of those at the beginning of the month. Dexter's increasing neediness to force me to come see something and/or blocking the front door and saying "No Work. Mommy" should be a pretty big clue for me as both are out of his normal behavior. I wasn't taking the hint so the Universe gave me a stronger one, it's taking Tyler out of town again for work. His being gone forces me to miss him and appreciate him when he's home, it forces me to stay home more myself and to make the most of the time I am gone. And it's also going to force me to spend that one on one time with Dexter.

I heard a great quote the other day, I'll paraphrase, but it said:

When you're with your family, Be with your family.

When you're at work, Be at work.

I really think this is a key point to remember.

A Parallel Experience: the Duggar's Loss

I had read, quite a while ago, that the famous Duggar family had suffered a loss with their 20th child (21 by some counts). Michelle had a miscarriage at 18 weeks and gave birth to a stillborn baby girl on December 11, 2011...coincidently the same day I gave birth to Wentworth. The event made the news for them because of their reality show, but also because they chose to do some memorial photos through a program called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and when the photos hit the public there was a big outcry that they were "disturbing."  I can't say how I would have reacted prior to my experience but now that I have gone through what I did with Wentworth, I don't find the pictures disturbing at all. I think they are very tasteful and beautiful. I'll post two of them here, my only regret is that the 2nd picture has the TMZ watermark on it as I was unable to find an original clear photo.

The episode about their loss aired last week and I made sure to PVR it because I wanted to watch it and was lucky enough to have some time to watch it by myself. It was a positive experience for me to watch it as it was kind of therapeutic.  While our experiences differ to some degree, there were definitely moments on film that felt virtually identical to my experience.

The episode opened with them talking about how excited they were to be pregnant again as it took about 2 years for her to get pregnant and they weren't sure that she was going to be able to get pregnant again. Jim Bob & Michelle were having a family meeting to brainstorm baby names for both a boy and girl as they didn't know gender yet. Then they took a trip to the NICU where the most recent baby, Josie, was born (eerily on December 10th). After that they headed to the ultrasound where you can typically find out gender. They had a plan where the sound man was going to find out the gender and then the whole family would hear the news at the same time (parents included). JB had decided to attend the ultrasound (so I guess he hadn't attended every one before) which was fortunate as he was there for Michelle when she got the news.

The first experience I identified with was how Michelle knew something was wrong as soon as the tech looked at the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat registering on the machine. I wouldn't wish that experience on someone, but I have to say that it WAS reassuring to share the experience with someone...to see it on the screen and see them have the same reaction I had. Maybe it makes a person feel more normal?

Next they had to go home and tell all their children the news. It was hard to watch as they tried to get everyone together in one room to tell them all at once. Everyone assumed it was for the big gender reveal (which was still unknown at that point), and had no idea of the bad news that was coming. My heart broke as the kids asked Michelle if she knew the gender and she had to keep her composure. It broke again as they struggled to get the right words out for the family and although they were sad, explain that it was God's will and that they were happy to have had even the 18 weeks of joy the baby had brought. [I'm not religious but I have my own beliefs which mirror the same sentiments.]

Michelle labored for three days before bringing baby girl Jubilee into this world. It was painful enough for me to have those hours of labour, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have three days of both physically and emotional pain. She handled it beautifully though, and took that time to connect with what was happening and write a letter to Jubilee. Amazing.

The family decided to have a funeral & burial for Jubilee. We chose against any kind of service as we wanted to mourn more privately (personal choice no judgement) and  honestly I am just not a fan of funerals in general. I think the process of gathering everyone together would just magnify my pain. So I am still happy with the choice to do the cremation and no ceremony. 

It was an hour episode where I shed a lot of tears and spend a little time after reflecting on my own lost baby. I have felt more emotional in general the last few weeks - pretty much since Tyler has been home as well as when I got the tattoo. I'm not sure if the emotions are related to that or to something entirely different. I really hate not having a handle on my emotions and being so sensitive. It reminds me of being a teenager LOL In case you're thinking it, no I'm not pregnant, or at least that's what mother nature tells me as I got my monthly reassurance. My "plan" as of today (it changes often), is to wait until the anniversary of Wentworth's conception passes before we do any sort of attempts at baby making. I would like to ensure if possible, that the due date of the next baby doesn't coincide with Wentworth's birth date or due date. Though I'm sure, whether I am pregnant or not, that the birth date with be a hard day anyway.

All in all, I'm glad I watched that episode of "19 Kids and Counting" and I recommend it for almost everyone as it is an experience worth watching.

*In case you're wondering why I said this was baby number 21, it's because Michelle said that her 2nd pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, a baby that they call Caleb. I'm guessing it was a fairly early miscarriage but they obviously count it as a child in their minds and Jubilee is officially counted so that gives them a count of 19 earth kids & 2 heaven kids.

My Tattoo

I have been pondering the tattoo idea for a few months now. I started out thinking I wanted it on my left shoulder blade but in my googling of images, figured out that an inner wrist tattoo was more appropriate for this particular image. I hadn't considered getting a tattoo in this area before because I thought a person could easily tire of it. However, since this image is meant to be a constant reminder of Wentworth for me, I feel like I could never be irritated by the content. I also figure I can always add to the tattoo down the line, I just can't take away from it.

A long time ago I had decided that once I was done having kids that I would get tattoo in their honor, so while Dexter isn't represented right now, he will be. I'd like to have one cohesive design for my living kids...Wentworth just gets a special honor of his own because we don't get to share in his life here. I could change my mind, but I'll most likely save my left shoulder blade for Dex & future sibling(s).

Once I decided on an inner wrist tat for Wentworth, I simultaneously decided the best design would be word based with his name. I choice a butterfly image because I like butterflies and because I read that they symbolize communicating with the dead. Then I wanted some flourish so the artist freehanded that himself.

To pick an artist I put a call out on facebook and I was drawn to the "At Needlepoint" studio. Clay was a recommendation there & his portfolio showed a few word tats that appealed to me so I felt he was a good choice. I had a quick consultation with him on Wednesday & after some complicated schedule juggling (my mom was in town but had an appointment at 4:15 in edmonton & Dexter wasn't feeling well) I was able to get in on Thursday.

Once the appointment was booked I was super excited but nervous about the pain factor. I'm a well known wuss & while I have a tattoo, it is 12 years old and about the size of a quarter. However, i was mentally committed to the tattoo no matter what it took physically.

The first bit of the tattoo felt like a knife blade being drawn down my arm. I started freaking out inside like "how will I handle this?" I focused on a spot on the wall and thought about him. That worked for a little bit but then the emotions were too close to the surface and I had to blink back tears of sadness. So instead I just focused on keeping my breathing steady and having a pro-pain mantra. That worked pretty well. A little more time passed and the artist started chatting with me. This worked great as I LOVE talking and it distracts me very well. The pain came & went, some parts being more painful than others (bones and arteries/veins seemed to be pain hot spots) and really before I knew it, it was complete! I took a picture with my iPhone before he wrapped it up & left proudly sporting my hot pink tensure bandage. My mom stared at me in surprise and waited for me to tell her I chicken out & it was only half done. Thanks for the belief in me Mom LOL

Leduc Hospital: No More Speculation

After everything that happened with Wentworth, the majority of my questions stemming from that night are towards the Leduc Hospital. Most people would have to continue wondering the questions but I have been lucky enough to get the answers! It turns out that the doctor in emergency that night had read my blog and knew he could put my mind at ease about a few things. However he questioned whether I would appreciate a phone call from him or if that would just upset me further. Again, lucky for me, a friend of mine works in emergency (shout out to Katie) and the doctor was able to run the idea passed her, who in turn let me know he was available for an appointment if I was interested. Being the kind of person I am who highly values information, I was super excited that he wanted to talk and booked the earliest appointment possible. The receptionist was clueless to the situation and I wasn't up to informing her so it was set for February 8th @ 10:45am and as far as I knew I was going to get the standard 15 minute appointment.

Tyler & I went to the appointment together and left Dexter with a friend. My goal from the meeting was to find out what he thought was happening to me and why there was a delay before I got sent to Grey Nuns. I also wanted the meeting to be as positive as possible and although I am obviously upset about the result, I wasn't there to make the doctor feel bad or to pass blame. 

I didn't know how to start the conversation so I said "I'm not sure if you remember who I am?" He said "Yes I do. I remember you very well." Then he pretty much launched into his story. First, he said that when he got the call from Grey Nuns that I had lost the baby, he was shocked. When I had left his care he hadn't thought I would lose the baby. He said he spend about 4-5 hours that day, looking over the file to see where he had gone wrong. He also spoke with the Edmonton Dr. Lee (as his name is Dr. Lee too). The Edmonton Doc (female) has been doing OB for about 30 years so she has a lot of experience with non-stress tests. She said that when she looked at my non-stress test, she would say it was non-reassuring based on her instincts. However, she couldn't pinpoint something on it for Leduc Doc to look for next time. There is a criteria checklist that they get taught in med school and my NST met all of them, so there was no fault in Leduc Doc's logic merely in his lack of experience...which can really be expected in our little city emergency room. In terms of why I wasn't hooked up to fetal monitoring the whole time, it's really not normal procedure. I was hooked up for like an hour I believe which is a lot, and since he felt the readings were reassuring, there was no need to stay hooked up. 

I was in the waiting room for about 15 minutes before I got a room and my care was sporadic. One of the reasons for this is that emerge was extremely busy that night. The doc said he got about 24 patients between 11pm and 2am whereas he normally averages about 12 patients per night spread out the entire shift. I can appreciate that they were busy, but I still feel that the nurses could have poked their head in periodically to make sure I wasn't passed out (and I feel they should do this quick check round for every patient). If I could appeal to the hospital to make a policy change, it would be to implement this. And perhaps I will write a letter about this. 

The second thing we talked about was the reasons for the transfer delay. First off, when I arrived I had high blood pressure, which was highly unusual for me as I have always had text book blood pressure. High blood pressure is often associated with pre-eclampsia which is also really dangerous. He was worried that if I did have pre-eclampsia and he sent me in an ambulance right away I could have had a seizure. There are some drugs the hospital can give to make sure that mom stays okay, but it has to be properly diagnosed with blood/urine first. He said that with bleeding you are concerned with baby, but with pre-eclampsia you are also highly concerned about mom's health. Also, because I was still ahead of the cusp for lung development (about 34 weeks is the cutoff and I was just shy of that), they would also give a steroid shot to make sure baby's lungs are ready for our world.

Personally I feel that pre-eclampsia was a logical first guess. It is/was very possible that I had it as I also had significant swelling. In fact, that night, it felt like liquid was literally pouring into my feet and they were SO swollen. I had decided to watch SNL with my feet up before going on with some things on my to do list. Also, in a lot of the information and cases I've read, placental abruption doesn't usually progress so quickly. It often takes days or even weeks if Mom is on bed rest. Taking that norm into consideration, in most instances the Leduc doc would have had more than enough time to eliminate or diagnosis pre-eclampsia before the placenta fully detached and baby would be in imminent danger. Which leads me to believe that what happened to me was unavoidable... and meant to be. 

Secondly, with hospital procedure as it was when I went in, the Leduc hospital would have to qualify their request to send me to another hospital before it would be authorized. They use a system called Rapid and the call system really puts doctors through the ringer before they'll ok a patient transfer. Thus another reason why the doctor had ordered blood/urine tests and had to wait for the results. As it was, once I started having significant pains and he decided to call Rapid that night, it was a full 20 minutes before they gave the okay to order the ambulance for transfer. Then the ambulance took an additional 30 minutes to arrive as we were at the mercy of their geographical location at the time of the call (I remember from my ambulance ride that the attendant said something about them being in Thorsby and that they have a weird territory to cover). 

All in all, I do feel like I got the best care available and no negligence was made. Before talking to the doctor, I had phoned two lawyers for a consultation and they gave me peace of mind that my situation didn't sound like a good case. I person can always wonder, especially when sharing the story with many others, but its easier for me if I think everyone did the best that they could with the information that they had. 

The great news, is that hindsight is going to good use this time. The head OB doc from Grey Nuns has implemented a procedure change for Leduc Hospital. They have given Leduc the green light to send all patients who are 20 weeks or further to their hospital with no burden of proof on them. AKA they don't have to do blood, urine or non-stress tests (NST). The only time Leduc won't send patients is when they are actively pushing or in immenient danger, as there is a minimum 20 minute ambulance drive plus waiting time. I feel really good about this change and now feel comfortable reassuring people to go to Leduc hospital for care when pregnant. It is still your best option to be at A hospital then on the road by yourself on the way to a hospital. There's still some details to work out (such as do they want all patients even non-pregnancy related items like a broken wrist) but it's a positive change and I'm happy it's happened.

My mom and I had a discussion a few weeks ago about how going to Leduc was still the best decision I could have made. It was midnight so Dexter was sleeping and its highly unlikely that I would have decided to wake him up and drop him off somewhere so that Tyler and I could go to the hospital together since I didn't know how serious the situation was. Me driving to Edmonton by myself presents a whole lot of possible outcomes such as passing out or having a seizure on the way to the hospital, hurting or killing myself and possible others on the road. And provided I did make it to the hospital and they did rush my care in emerge (which I may have had to wait there) and they had decided to do a c-section, Wentworth still may not have survived and I may also have been in danger from excessive bleeding or something. It's possible that the result may have been the same no matter which path I took. 

Lastly, I want to say how grateful I am that Dr. Lee spoke with me. He shared with me that this case affected him on a personal and professional level. He has a 6 month old at home and is a dad to three so he can easily relate to our feelings. This shook his confidence and he questioned whether he was up for continuing as an emergency doctor. I thoroughly appreciate that he related to me on a human level and not as a "Doctor God" as some may have. I think it speaks to his character that he was willing to meet with me and even initiated it. Honestly, I am an emotionally sensitive person, and it really hurts my heart that he is/was suffering through this experience as well. I did my best to assure him that I think he did his best and that I harbor no ill feelings towards him. While we are saddened by what happened with our second son, we are doing our best to look on the bright side and move forward with our lives. Wentworth will not be forgotten but instead of dwelling on sadness I try to use this experience to appreciate what I do have in my life.

I hope this entry will give some of my readers closure has it has for me.

Interesting...

I've been so focused on this course I'm taking right now, that I didn't realize "today" was the two month anniversary of losing Wentworth. Wow, while I'm glad to have a positive distraction, I think I'll take a moment to remember my baby boy now.

Doc Appointment & Blood Test Results

I apologize to anyone who was anxiously checking for an update, it's just been busy around here. On Monday, I had my 6 week post partum checkup and a quick discussion of my blood test results.

The information I got back was that one of my blood clotting things came back abnormal so I'm being referred to a specialist who'll look at the results and make a decision. Options are:
-not significant so no different action taken,
-somewhat significant so put on baby aspirin,
-significant so put on blood thinners and possibly baby aspirin too.

She made it seem fairly blasé so I didn't think too much of this. She told me that the appointment should be within the month and to use condoms in the meantime. However she said there was no reason to delay getting pregnant (maybe other than this information? I need clarification on that). Anyway, we don't have to wait some arbitrary amount of time like 3 months or 6 months.

All seemed good, and our appointments always feel rushed so sometimes I don't have time to absorb the information and form questions until after I've left. I decided to consult my best friend google, the medic major, to see what it had to say about pregnancy and blood thinner medication.

While the side effects seem minor, what I was surprised to learn was that the medication appears to be given via needle rather than orally. I just assumed it would be a tradition pill so this information threw me for a loop. Like most people I don't like needles and I'm not sure I'd be able to give myself one to two shots a day everyday for 40 weeks. I guess I'll try to give my OB a quick follow up call tomorrow.