Blog Move

The struggle with having more than one blog, is when a topic cannot be easily categorized. There are a few times when I haven't been sure which blog to write about something. So, I am going to "close" this blog to new posts but leave all the current ones on. For new posts, please visit my main blog at:

http://inspirelaughlove.blogspot.com

Thank you to everyone for their support :-)

Crystal ~ Wentworth's Mom

Tattoo update

While I love my tattoo in general, specifically I am not happy with the butterfly. It's not how I pictured it and the style of it just isn't me (though I love the purple). Since I also wasn't too happy with the "touch up" job the artist did I think I am going to go to someone else. I'm hoping to figure out a way to re-design the butterfly, as well as work on a design for my Dexter (et all future siblings) tattoo.

More Frequent Reflections

I'm not sure what has changed, but over the last month or so I have been thinking of Wentworth more and having more frequent bouts of sadness. Could be Tyler's return to work and the resulting increase in workload for me coupled with more loneliness. Maybe a spike in hormones? Nonetheless, I am mourning my babe more lately and thinking how much I would like to have a baby boy right now (in addition to Dexter of course!).

On a side note: I can't believe it has been six months since we lost Wentworth. It feels like both yesterday and a lifetime ago.

So...when am I getting pregnant?

The jury is out. When I first met with the specialist she told me that there is nothing she could specifically point to that caused the placental abruption so she saw no reason for me to take precautions to get pregnant. However, she wanted me to redo one blood test & take an additional one to see if my post labour care would be different. By the time I came back for the results, the medical consensus was to do nothing different until I'd actually experienced a blood clot personally.

She apologized for not having more answers so I brought up the possibilty that the Leduc Doc thought I may have been pre-eclampic. The specialist said, if you were than I recommend you wait a year from the birth until you begin trying to conceive. So that was a bummer.

I decided to follow up with my OBGYN and get her opinion. Her nurse fielded the call and said that there was nothing in my file about possibly being pre-eclamptic so maybe I should be safe and wait 6 months...but that if I truly was pre-eclamptic than I should wait 2 years.

How's that for confusing? I don't want to wait unneccassarily, but I don't want to rush if it's not healthy to do so either. I had an appointment with my GP for my son, so I asked him what his thoughts were on the matter. He looked at my file and said in his opinion he didn't see any conclusive evidence that I was pre-eclampic and to take the other doctor's advice with a grain of salt. Why? Because it was merely their "educated" guess rather than anything based on conclusive studies.

My personal verdict? I'm not in a rush to get pregnant at this point, but I've said repeatedly that this could change on a daily basis. My ultimate goal is to wait until after the beginning of May as that's when Wentworth was conceived and I don't want to have a due or birth date around the same time. Beyond that, I think I am going to let whatever happens, happen. I'll be watching my cycle to see if I miss a period but I'm not sure if I'm going to plan any "baby dancing" on purpose. Tyler will be working out of a town a bit anyway, so that could ultimately negate any planning I make. I've also been taking folic acid daily since Christmas and as of today decided to take an actual prenatal vitamin (I was out of folic and had to buy a new vitamin supply anyway). In the past, prenatals have made me very nauseas but I'm going to do my best to get in a better pre-pregnancy place this time.

As soon as I know I'm pregnant, I've been told to go back to my OBGYN but I'm not sure that I want to keep her as my doctor. I guess I have a little more time to ponder that over.

In the meanwhile, as I said in the last post, I am keeping busy, busy, busy :-)

Remembering to Pause

Time is very subjective, and right now it is flying by for me. I have been keeping busy by committing to a new business venture and while I LOVE it, I have to remember to take time to pause and BE in life.

It's soooooo easy to take things for granted. Not that many months ago I was talking about how losing Wentworth made me realize how lucky I am to have Dexter & my hubby Tyler...and yet here I am falling into the same traps. Damn it, it is difficult to find balance and harmony in life! But the universe is very kind to me and gives me gentle reminders. Watching the Duggar's story was one of those at the beginning of the month. Dexter's increasing neediness to force me to come see something and/or blocking the front door and saying "No Work. Mommy" should be a pretty big clue for me as both are out of his normal behavior. I wasn't taking the hint so the Universe gave me a stronger one, it's taking Tyler out of town again for work. His being gone forces me to miss him and appreciate him when he's home, it forces me to stay home more myself and to make the most of the time I am gone. And it's also going to force me to spend that one on one time with Dexter.

I heard a great quote the other day, I'll paraphrase, but it said:

When you're with your family, Be with your family.

When you're at work, Be at work.

I really think this is a key point to remember.

A Parallel Experience: the Duggar's Loss

I had read, quite a while ago, that the famous Duggar family had suffered a loss with their 20th child (21 by some counts). Michelle had a miscarriage at 18 weeks and gave birth to a stillborn baby girl on December 11, 2011...coincidently the same day I gave birth to Wentworth. The event made the news for them because of their reality show, but also because they chose to do some memorial photos through a program called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, and when the photos hit the public there was a big outcry that they were "disturbing."  I can't say how I would have reacted prior to my experience but now that I have gone through what I did with Wentworth, I don't find the pictures disturbing at all. I think they are very tasteful and beautiful. I'll post two of them here, my only regret is that the 2nd picture has the TMZ watermark on it as I was unable to find an original clear photo.

The episode about their loss aired last week and I made sure to PVR it because I wanted to watch it and was lucky enough to have some time to watch it by myself. It was a positive experience for me to watch it as it was kind of therapeutic.  While our experiences differ to some degree, there were definitely moments on film that felt virtually identical to my experience.

The episode opened with them talking about how excited they were to be pregnant again as it took about 2 years for her to get pregnant and they weren't sure that she was going to be able to get pregnant again. Jim Bob & Michelle were having a family meeting to brainstorm baby names for both a boy and girl as they didn't know gender yet. Then they took a trip to the NICU where the most recent baby, Josie, was born (eerily on December 10th). After that they headed to the ultrasound where you can typically find out gender. They had a plan where the sound man was going to find out the gender and then the whole family would hear the news at the same time (parents included). JB had decided to attend the ultrasound (so I guess he hadn't attended every one before) which was fortunate as he was there for Michelle when she got the news.

The first experience I identified with was how Michelle knew something was wrong as soon as the tech looked at the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat registering on the machine. I wouldn't wish that experience on someone, but I have to say that it WAS reassuring to share the experience with someone...to see it on the screen and see them have the same reaction I had. Maybe it makes a person feel more normal?

Next they had to go home and tell all their children the news. It was hard to watch as they tried to get everyone together in one room to tell them all at once. Everyone assumed it was for the big gender reveal (which was still unknown at that point), and had no idea of the bad news that was coming. My heart broke as the kids asked Michelle if she knew the gender and she had to keep her composure. It broke again as they struggled to get the right words out for the family and although they were sad, explain that it was God's will and that they were happy to have had even the 18 weeks of joy the baby had brought. [I'm not religious but I have my own beliefs which mirror the same sentiments.]

Michelle labored for three days before bringing baby girl Jubilee into this world. It was painful enough for me to have those hours of labour, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have three days of both physically and emotional pain. She handled it beautifully though, and took that time to connect with what was happening and write a letter to Jubilee. Amazing.

The family decided to have a funeral & burial for Jubilee. We chose against any kind of service as we wanted to mourn more privately (personal choice no judgement) and  honestly I am just not a fan of funerals in general. I think the process of gathering everyone together would just magnify my pain. So I am still happy with the choice to do the cremation and no ceremony. 

It was an hour episode where I shed a lot of tears and spend a little time after reflecting on my own lost baby. I have felt more emotional in general the last few weeks - pretty much since Tyler has been home as well as when I got the tattoo. I'm not sure if the emotions are related to that or to something entirely different. I really hate not having a handle on my emotions and being so sensitive. It reminds me of being a teenager LOL In case you're thinking it, no I'm not pregnant, or at least that's what mother nature tells me as I got my monthly reassurance. My "plan" as of today (it changes often), is to wait until the anniversary of Wentworth's conception passes before we do any sort of attempts at baby making. I would like to ensure if possible, that the due date of the next baby doesn't coincide with Wentworth's birth date or due date. Though I'm sure, whether I am pregnant or not, that the birth date with be a hard day anyway.

All in all, I'm glad I watched that episode of "19 Kids and Counting" and I recommend it for almost everyone as it is an experience worth watching.

*In case you're wondering why I said this was baby number 21, it's because Michelle said that her 2nd pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage, a baby that they call Caleb. I'm guessing it was a fairly early miscarriage but they obviously count it as a child in their minds and Jubilee is officially counted so that gives them a count of 19 earth kids & 2 heaven kids.

My Tattoo

I have been pondering the tattoo idea for a few months now. I started out thinking I wanted it on my left shoulder blade but in my googling of images, figured out that an inner wrist tattoo was more appropriate for this particular image. I hadn't considered getting a tattoo in this area before because I thought a person could easily tire of it. However, since this image is meant to be a constant reminder of Wentworth for me, I feel like I could never be irritated by the content. I also figure I can always add to the tattoo down the line, I just can't take away from it.

A long time ago I had decided that once I was done having kids that I would get tattoo in their honor, so while Dexter isn't represented right now, he will be. I'd like to have one cohesive design for my living kids...Wentworth just gets a special honor of his own because we don't get to share in his life here. I could change my mind, but I'll most likely save my left shoulder blade for Dex & future sibling(s).

Once I decided on an inner wrist tat for Wentworth, I simultaneously decided the best design would be word based with his name. I choice a butterfly image because I like butterflies and because I read that they symbolize communicating with the dead. Then I wanted some flourish so the artist freehanded that himself.

To pick an artist I put a call out on facebook and I was drawn to the "At Needlepoint" studio. Clay was a recommendation there & his portfolio showed a few word tats that appealed to me so I felt he was a good choice. I had a quick consultation with him on Wednesday & after some complicated schedule juggling (my mom was in town but had an appointment at 4:15 in edmonton & Dexter wasn't feeling well) I was able to get in on Thursday.

Once the appointment was booked I was super excited but nervous about the pain factor. I'm a well known wuss & while I have a tattoo, it is 12 years old and about the size of a quarter. However, i was mentally committed to the tattoo no matter what it took physically.

The first bit of the tattoo felt like a knife blade being drawn down my arm. I started freaking out inside like "how will I handle this?" I focused on a spot on the wall and thought about him. That worked for a little bit but then the emotions were too close to the surface and I had to blink back tears of sadness. So instead I just focused on keeping my breathing steady and having a pro-pain mantra. That worked pretty well. A little more time passed and the artist started chatting with me. This worked great as I LOVE talking and it distracts me very well. The pain came & went, some parts being more painful than others (bones and arteries/veins seemed to be pain hot spots) and really before I knew it, it was complete! I took a picture with my iPhone before he wrapped it up & left proudly sporting my hot pink tensure bandage. My mom stared at me in surprise and waited for me to tell her I chicken out & it was only half done. Thanks for the belief in me Mom LOL